The point of no return
by Nodomme
Summary: Top Gear. For a very long time James May has had a crush on Richard Hammond. The only problem is, Richard has got a girlfriend. And for all James knows, he is not gay either.
1. What is secret, remains secret

**Chapter 1: What is secret, remains secret.**

_"Because of you, I'm lying awake at night  
All I'm seeing are pictures of you  
As I close my eyes  
I fade my way into the laws of my dream world"  
_Trapped by Dead by April

"It takes a special kind of retarded to manage that" Richard Hammond laughed as his friend James May tripped on his foot and fell face-down. James arose, clearly dazed from the fall and looked upon his friend with disbelief.  
"At least I don't fall while standing" he defended himself and Richard's goofy smile immediately faded.  
"That's not the point. I was drunk and it was dark" he snapped.  
"Hey, ladies. Behave!" Jeremy Clarkson said as he rounded the corner of the corridor.  
"Alright, alright J" James muttered and turned his back on Richard. "What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were going away to see your family this weekend."  
"There was a change of plan. Some friend of theirs passed away and they had to attend the funeral. Anyway, I've rented a cottage in the woods for two weeks and I wonder if you guys would like to join me."  
Richard scratched his hazel brown hair and shrugged. "Not a big fan of forest spiders, but hey. I'll come. My girlfriend is busy anyway."  
"Yes" James nodded in agreement. "I will come too."  
"Great! It's settled" Jeremy said excitedly and disappeared down the corridor, from where he had come in the first place.  
"What a knob" James said and shook his head.  
Richard nodded in agreement. "Well, I better get going. I'll see you later" he said and yawned drowsily. James mumbled something back and Richard took off down the corridor.

The long walk down the hallway to the parking lot was more than painful. Richard's head was pounding, his feet were sore and he could sense a hint of nausea.  
"Ah, shit" he cursed to himself and increased his pace, stepped outside and walked over to his Porsche 911. It was the only car left on the lot and not a single person could be seen. The grass surrounding the grey building from which he had exited was wet from the early evening dew. He inhaled the damp summer air and sighed. He got into his car and powered the engine. The familiar spinning sound made him relax slightly and he begun the thirty minute drive home. He loved the feeling of the leather steering wheel and the smell of new car.

Richard's house wasn't very hard to miss. It was a huge, white mansion with a swimming pool and an enormous garden. In the right edge of the garden stood a high, white tower from which you could see for miles and miles. The garden was snug and lined by beautiful birches. Flowerbeds with lilies and roses separated the building from the grass. A stone path lead from the huge garage to the front door.

Richard parked his car on the parking lot, and looked at his house. All the lights were off but one. It came from the kitchen. He walked down the path and entered his house.  
"Darling, I'm home" he half-shouted and took his leather jacket off. The silence remained.  
He walked into the kitchen and found his girlfriend on a chair on the marble floor, smoking a fag.  
"You're home late again" she spat.  
"I know sweetie. I'm sorry. We had a lot to film today." he spoke softly.  
"You're always late" she said, completely ignoring his apology.  
"I'm sorry..." he mumbled and eyed his white socks.  
She put out her fag, sighed, and walked up the stairs to the bedroom and slammed the door shut.  
Richard sighed wearily, walked over to the kitchen bench and got a paper and a pen.

"_I'm sorry. I love you.  
Can we talk about it tomorrow when I get home?  
Love, Richard." _

He tipped into the living room and made himself comfortable on the couch. **  
**

. . . . .

James waited until Richard had disappeared down the corridor before he begun his walk towards the building's exit. He was slow as usual and it was something Richard and Jeremy mocked him for. They called him _Captain Slow, _something he didn't appreciate but he wasn't very bothered about it. He walked out of the building and the chilly air hit him and caused him to shudder.

As he walked towards home he replayed the scene in his head. Jeremy had mocked him as usual during the day, but Richard has defended him. He could recall the annoyed look in Richard's eyes as he told Jeremy off. Nobody had ever done that before. Nobody had ever defended him against anything. He was an outsider, simply created to being made fun of. The thought of Richard's deep brown eyes made him warmer, even though the air made him freeze. He covered his face with his palms and shook the thought out of his mind.  
"Get yourself together, man" he said aloud. "He's got a girlfriend and he will never like you. Besides, you can't tell him how you feel. He'd be creeped out and never speak to you again."  
That usual feeling of loneliness struck him and he sighed unhappily.

Fifteen minutes later he reached the gate that lead to his garden. He slid it open and stepped inside. It was a beautiful garden. Flowers were carefully and aesthetically placed along the gravel path to his door. His house was big and white with enormous windows from which you could overlook the garden. He opened the door and walked inside and went straight into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of Scotch and walked over to his bedroom. He drunk directly from the bottle and laid down on his bed, still with the image of Richard's beautifully brown eyes on his mind.

. . . . .


	2. A messy mess

**Chapter 2: A messy mess.**

"_I don't wanna know the lover at my door  
Is just another heartache on my list  
I don't wanna be angry no more  
But you know I could never stand for this  
So when you tell me that you love me  
Know for sure  
I don't wanna be lonely anymore"_

Lonely No More by Rob Thomas

The noisy alarm clock went off at 6 A.M and Richard slowly attempted to sit up on the couch. His neck was in a horrible state and his head was still aching. After sitting up for a minute the memories of yesterday came back to him. He sighed, laid back down and grunted into his pillow. A few minutes later he sat up on the edge of the couch and rubbed his face with his hands. He tried to stand up and stretched, and felt a sting of pain from his neck spread to the rest of his body. A quite moan of suffering slipped past his lips and he sighed again. The living room was a mess. It wasn't the first time he'd slept on the couch this month, and his clothes were spread out across the room. Except for the mess, it was a lovely room. It was four meters from the floor to the ceiling which had a coffee white shade. Two large couches stood in the middle of the wide room, and in between them stood a glass table. On the wall opposite to the door hung a wide plasma TV and the two remaining walls were encrusted with broad windows from which you could see the backyard of the garden.

Richard stumbled over the mess on the floor and walked uneasily out of the room. He walked across a long hallway with white walls and a few modern paintings and took left down the corridor, headed to the bathroom. He turned the lights on and eyed himself in the mirror. His normally tanned face had paled and he had two obvious dark circles beneath his eyes. He regretted that he'd let his hair grow again. It was always messy in the morning. A hopeless case, both James and Jeremy had stated. He couldn't help but agree with that.

A cold hand on his bare back made him jump and he turned around. Stephie stood before him and looked at him. She was quite tall. Taller than Richard's bare 5'7. Her brown hair curled down her face and lined it perfectly. She was quite skinny and she always wore clothes to make that clear.  
"Hey... Richard" she begun, looking at him. "I'm sorry about last night."  
Richard opened his mouth to say something but changed his mind and remained silent.  
"I didn't mean to treat you like I did. I just miss you, you know. You're always home late and we barely get any time together."  
He nodded in agreement. "I miss you too, sweetie. I'm sorry too."  
She leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips and he answered her kiss by putting his arms around her. He smiled and pulled away gently.  
"I have to get ready. We've got a lot to film today" he said softly and she nodded.

. . . . .

James opened his eyes slowly but immediately regretted his decision as the bright light stung his eyes. He had fallen asleep a bottle of Scotch later and he was still wearing yesterday's clothes. His head was pounding violently but he ignored it and sat up. The sun was shining through the window, spreading a golden light across the vaguely green walls of his bedroom. It was very tidy. An oak book shelf stood in the far corner of the room, with books decoratively lined on the shelves. He had a white desk with a small laptop on it and a wooden chair. He bit his hand and got up in one painful move and slowly walked over to his bathroom. An aspirin later he washed his face with cool water and rubbed his eyes. As he watched himself in the mirror he established he was a mess. His hair was a mess, his clothes were a mess and he certainly felt like one. He undressed, got into the shower,

and welcomed the cold water as it embraced him.

When he was finished and stood in a towel in the bathroom his phone rang. He hoped it was Richard but was disappointed when he saw a large "J" on the screen.  
"Hey, Jeremy" he mumbled. "What's up?"  
"Where the hell are you?" he said, visibly irritated.  
"I'm at home. What's the time?" James said tiredly.  
"It is half past twelve. You were supposed to be here an hour ago. We were going to film the episode about motorbikes, remember?"  
"I'm sorry boss, I overslept. Can you come and pick me up?" he said. He wasn't sure the alcohol had fully left his body yet. Jeremy sighed and agreed to picking him up.

Ten minutes later James was dressed in a pair of jeans, a white t-shirt and black jogging shoes. The doorbell rang and James opened the door.  
"Hi Jere-" he begun.  
"You look awful" Jeremy disrupted him and eyed him from head to toe.  
"I know, I know" he mumbled in agreement. "I think I'm starting to get ill."  
Jeremy looked concerned as James made his way down the path towards the car. He was walking slowly and unsteadily, and looked like he was on the edge of falling every time he took a new step forward. The walk that normally took a minute, now took three.  
"James, are you sure you're okay?" Jeremy said.  
"Yes, don't worry. I've just got a headache" he said and Jeremy relaxed a little.  
They got into Jeremy's Mercedes-Benz 600 and drove off in silence.

In the parking lot, they were met by Richard who spoke passionately about all the motorbikes they were going to test. He was a big fan of them. Jeremy listened patiently to his blabbering and added a comment every now and then. James, on the other hand, remained silent.  
"What's up with you, pal?" Richard asked him and put a hand on his shoulder. The warmth from the hand made his heart race, so he quickly shook it off. As he was unable to speak, Jeremy came to his rescue.  
"He's not feeling too well" he said and looked at James. Richard looked worried.  
"I hope it's nothing serious " he said and James nodded and smiled vaguely, without looking at him.

Considering James' hungover state, the day passed quicker than expected. He kept his attitude positive throughout the whole show and got compliments for the jokes he added. The day was finally over and he was standing in the parking lot next to his Fiat Panda, smoking a fag to relief the stress. A blonde woman walked out of the building, spotted him and walked straight towards him.

"Hello" she said and smiled.  
"Good evening" he replied and forced himself to smile back.

"I'm Amy" she introduced herself. "I've seen you here many times but I never said hello."  
"James May" he said and shook her hand. "I haven't seen you."  
She laughed easily and shrugged. "People don't usually notice me."  
"How come? You seem like a... charismatic person"

She laughed again. She had a relaxing laugh.  
"I'm not really. I just talk to people I'm interested in" she hinted.  
"Interested? What do you mean?" he said and gave her a real smile this time.

"You know, people that are interesting. You have always seemed interesting. So I decided to talk to you."  
"Oh." he said and looked away for a moment and put out his fag.  
"So..." she broke the silence. "Would you like to have an evening coffee?"  
He considered declining her offer but changed his mind. Anything to distract himself from Richard.  
"Why not" he finally said. "We can take my car."

. . . . .

Richard watched through the second floor window as James leaned against his car and lit a cigarette. He had never really come to peace with the fact that James smoked occasionally. He had even tried to stop him, but he had ignored it as usual. Captain Slow was after all more stubborn than slow. He watched as a blonde woman walked up to James and shook his hand.  
_Who is she? _He thought to himself. They seemed to have a good time, because James both smiled and laughed. He felt a sting of annoyance rise within him.

_Why would he smile with some random girl when me and Jeremy haven't made him smile at all today?  
_He scratched his head and watched as the girl and James got into the same car and drove off.  
This annoyed Richard more than it should have.


	3. A light in the darkness

**Chapter 3: A light in the darkness.**

"_I tried to fight  
For so many years I've tried  
You brought me back to life"  
_My Saviour by Dead by April

Amy was a very nice person. During the car trip they found out that they had many interests in common. James liked writing and technology, and surprisingly enough, so did Amy. She had written a couple of books, she told him, but she hadn't published any of them.  
"Why not?" James asked curiously as he pulled up at the coffee shop.  
"Well. I write because I like it. Not make me rich and famous." she said and giggled.

They entered the store, ordered a cappuccino each and sat down at a table for two in the far edge of the room. The store was very cosy. The walls had a soft orange colour and the tables and chairs were dark brown. Each table had a lit candle on it, besides from the regular pepper and salt cellar. It had been James' favourite café for years.

"So..." James began and took a gulp of his coffee. "About those books. I would love to read one."  
"I guess I could lend you one if you promise you won't judge me" she said and looked at him with her green eyes. Her face was symmetrical and most would see her as a very beautiful lady.

"Judge you? Why would I judge you? You're very kind to me."  
"It's happened before." she said and looked down at her finger nails. James had just noticed that they had worn, red nail polish on them.  
"I promise I won't judge you. What is there to judge anyway?" he asked friendly. She remained quiet for a moment. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."  
"It's okay" she said. "You seem like a nice guy so I'm going to trust you. The thing is, I'm a lesbian. Many people, especially girls, back away from me and pretend like they don't know me when I tell them." She sighed but smiled bitterly. James remained silent for a while and processed what she just said.  
"You're a lesbian" he said and looked at her with a smirk. "That's wonderful."  
She burst out laughing. "Really?"  
"Yes" he said and took a pause, gathering courage. "And I'm gay."  
"And I take it not many people know that?" she said and smiled.  
"None, actually. Well, you know now." he said and sighed. "I can't tell anybody. They would freak out." She grabbed his hand and nodded understandingly.  
"I know the feeling, James. I really do."

Two coffees and five thousand words later, Amy and James were still sitting at the table talking to each other. The owner of the coffee shop announced that it would close in five minutes.  
"Would you like a ride home?" James asked.  
"That would be very kind" she said and passed James her address and phone number. "Feel free to visit and call me whenever you want."  
He added her number to his phone and gave her his number. They walked out of the shop to the car and entered it. James powered the engine and was just about to say something when Amy interrupted him.  
"So, out of curiosity. Do you have a man of your dreams?" she asked.  
James sighed unhappily. "I'm afraid I do, but he's not available."  
She nodded. "I see. Is he with another man?"  
"No, a woman" he said and closed his eyes, not letting the pain in them be revealed.

"I'm sorry" she said when he saw his pained expression. "I didn't mean to upset you."  
He opened his eyes and looked helplessly at her. "It's okay. You didn't know."

"You know, it happened to me too" she said. "But then she married some salesman and travelled abroad. I was devastated for years."  
He squeezed her hand to let her know he understood. He understood perfectly.

They drove in silence and he dropped her off, gave her a hug and promised they'd see eachother again. It was an unusually happy James that drove back home that night. He even fell asleep sober.

. . . . .

Richard didn't sleep well at all that night, even though Stephie had let him back into the bedroom. He had strange nightmares and woke up several times. The third time he woke up he cuddled up against Stephie who woke up and turned to face him.  
"Are you okay?" she asked and looked at his pale face.  
"Yes, just a nightmare" he said and kissed her forehead. "I'm fine."  
"Good. Do you want to talk about it?"  
"No, it's okay. I think I'll go for a walk."  
"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked.  
"If you want to."

They got dressed and walked downstairs, then through the front door. The air was very chilly and they walked down the garden in silence. She grabbed his hand and they turned left around the block.  
"We're going to a cottage tomorrow. It's in the forest" Richard said to break the silence. "Would you like to come?"  
"Sure, I'd like to come. My friends cancelled this weekend anyway, so I guess I could stay for a couple of days" she answered and smiled at him. "Only if it's okay with the others thought."  
"Jeremy is fine with it and I'm sure James is too" he said. "You can pack your things in the morning"

. . . . .

James woke up early. He whistled as he got dressed and walked downstairs. The meeting with Amy had put him in a very good mood. He'd finally met someone he could talk to and trust. Besides, being with her made him let go of Richard momentarily. He had a cup of tea and started packing. Packing had always been easy for him. He never brought anything unnecessary. Eventually he ended up with a bag full of clothes, a toothbrush with toothpaste and the charger to his phone. In his pocket he put his phone and headphones. He watched the clock. Richard was going to pick him up at twelve, which meant he had an hour to do absolutely nothing. He decided to text Amy and brought his phone out.  
"Hi Amy. What're you doing? Today, I'm going to a cottage with a friend and my dream man" he typed in slowly and pressed send. Sure, he was interested in technology, but he wasn't very good with phones. Three minutes later his phone buzzed.  
"Hi James! I'm writing on my latest book. Oh, are you nervous?" he read.  
"Very" he answered. He could almost see her smile in his head.

Forty minutes later the doorbell rang and he was met by a short, smiling Richard.  
"Good morning James" he said happily. James' heart was beating faster than normally.

"Morning Hammond" he replied and smiled back at him. He got his bag and locked the door behind him.  
"Is that it?" Richard asked and chuckled.  
"I prefer to be lightweight" he replied and shrugged.  
As they walked down the garden towards Richard's car, James spotted a silhouette in the front seat.  
He studied the person carefully, only to realize it was Richard's girlfriend. His heart sank.  
He threw his bag into the boot, opened the right back door and jumped in. From this spot he could see Richard better. "Hello Stephie" he mumbled and she greeted him back. Richard powered the engine and begun the three hours long drive.

From the back, James studied Richard's neck and the way his hair curled towards his shoulders. He was wearing a white t-shirt and sunglasses, looking good as usual. James rested his head against the neck brace and closed his eyes, letting his mind wander. He thought about how soft Richard's hands looked, and how soft his lips looked, and how soft they'd feel against his...

A buzz from his phone dragged him back to reality and made him jump.  
"How's it going?" he read on the screen. It was from Amy.  
"Not good. He brought his girlfriend" he replied.  
He looked at Richard again, but immediately regretted his decision. Stephie was busy kissing his cheek and holding his hand.  
He felt like sinking through the seat of the car, and turned to face the window. The open landscape flew past him. It was quite the sight. The fields were fully grown with both wheat and flowers.  
He felt a single tear slowly roll down his cheek. Somehow Richard noticed.  
"Are you okay, James?" he asked and looked at him through the rear-view mirror.  
"Yes" he choked and removed the tear with his palm. "I just got something in my eye.  
Richard watched him for ten whole minutes, with a worried expression. Each time looked his eyes burned through James' skin. He tried to ignore it, but it was impossible. His cheeks heated up and he tried to cover it up with his hair. It was quite long because he rarely cared enough to get it cut.  
Eventually, Richard stopped watching him and watched the road instead.  
These two weeks were going to be very long.


	4. As darkness falls

**Chapter 4: As darkness falls.**

_"Pain is temporary.  
It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."_ _  
_Lance Armstrong

As James feared, the time passed very slowly. The first three days he had a hard time being near Richard, mostly because of Stephie. She was always around him and he couldn't stand seeing them kiss. He spent most of the time alone in his room or at the fairly large lake nearby.

The cottage was small, with only four rooms. Two bedrooms, a combined kitchen and living room, and a bathroom. The two bedrooms had yellow walls and a small window that overlooked the quiet, peaceful forest. Richard and Stephie shared room, and awkwardly enough, James and Jeremy had to share a double-bed.

The forest was deep and full of beeches. Colourful flowers stretched tall in the air, almost as if they were reaching out for the sun. If you sat entirely still, small furry bunnies would jump out of their hiding places in their hunt for food. In the evening, the sunset beautifully coloured the leaves red.

"James, would you like to join me and Jeremy for an evening swim?" Richard asked him on the fourth day. "Stephie's not coming."  
James accepted the offer and the three of them, plus a couple of beers, walked together to the lake. They sat down on the long pier and dipped their feet into the warm water. They opened a beer each and watched as the orange sky reflected into the still water.

"What an evening" Jeremy said and drank from his bottle. Richard had already finished his. He got up, undressed to his boxers and dived into the water. James watched as he shook his brown hair once he reached the surface. His eyes glowed from the reflection of the sun. James couldn't stop himself from staring. Richard swum a hundred meters out from the pier until he was barely visible.

"You like him, don't you?" Jeremy asked suddenly.  
"Like him? What do you mean?" James said and felt his cheeks heat up.  
"Oh, come on May. I'm not blind. I've noticed the way you look at him."  
James went silent and stared down into the water.  
"I'm fine with it" Jeremy said and patted James on the shoulder.  
"Really?" he said and felt his cheeks redden even further.  
"Yes, of course. I'm a friend, right? I'm not here to judge you."  
James looked at Jeremy and smiled slightly.  
"Thanks Jeremy. But please, promise you won't tell anyone."  
Jeremy promised he wouldn't and quickly changed subject. Hammond had swum back and he was closing in on them.  
"Come on, you pussies" he shouted.  
Jeremy chuckled and gave him the finger.  
"No thank you. I'm fine up here" he said and opened another beer.  
"Okay, you bore. What about you, James?"  
Both Jeremy and Richard looked at him. He scratched his head and shrugged.  
"I'm not sure..." he said.  
"Oh, come on" Richard said and looked at him with his brown eyes. "Please."  
How could he resist that?  
"Fine" he said and got up slowly. He, like Richard, got undressed and dived into the dark water.

. . . . .

_Is that a tear? _Richard thought as he watched James from the rear-view mirror.  
"Are you okay, James?" he asked and studied James' face.  
"Yes" he mumbled. "I just got something in my eye."  
Richard wasn't very convinced as he watched James remove the tear with his hand.  
He kept one eye on the road and the other one on James.  
_Are his cheeks turning red? _He asked himself and smiled slightly. _I wonder what he's thinking about. _James covered his face with his hair and looked utterly miserable. He couldn't stand watching him, so he fixated his eyes on the road again. But in the back of his mind, he could still see James' pained expression.

The next few days he barely saw James at all. He was starting to get anxious, but tried his best not to let it show. He was never alone with Stephie around either, when all he wanted to do was to talk to James and make sure everything was okay. It hurt to watch him walk off alone, or sit and talk quietly with Jeremy. Richard had noticed how James always brought his phone, wherever he was going. Richard was curious. He badly wanted to know who he kept talking to. It was obviously somebody more important to him than himself and Jeremy.

On the fourth day he finally found some time to be alone with James and Jeremy. Stephie wasn't feeling very well, so she was staying inside. This provided him with an entire evening alone with the boys, something he, without hesitation, missed. He had already asked Jeremy if he wanted to come for an evening swim, so he started looking for James. He found him sitting alone under a tree, smoking a cigarette, looking gloomy as ever.  
"James, would you like to join me and Jeremy for an evening swim?" asked him softly and James looked up at him. "Stephie's not coming."  
James' face lit up. "Sure" he said and nodded. Richard gave him his to help him up. James hesitated for a second but then grabbed it. He had a soft hand, Richard thought but quickly shook the thought of of his head. _What am I thinking? _He muttered to himself.  
"What was that?" James asked.  
"Nothing" Richard replied, far too quickly.

They met up with Jeremy and walked the short path through the woods to the lake. The sunset spread a beautiful orange light that was reflected in the water. Jeremy was the first person to walk out on the long pier, followed by James. Jeremy sat down and dipped his feet into the water. James followed his example and sat down next to him. Richard chose the last available spot next to James. He could almost feel James' body heat because of how narrow the pier was. Jeremy gave him a beer and he finished it quickly. James' body was very close now. It made him shudder.

He stood up to escape the strange feelings that crept up on him. In one go, he pulled his t-shirt off and undressed. With one smooth move, he dove into the warm water. He noticed how James watched him as he reached the surface and shook the water out of his hair, and the feeling remained. He swum out even further until he could barely see the two men on the pier. The feeling slowly faded as he float on his back.

After a few minutes he decided to swim back. As he closed up on them, he noticed James' cheeks were bright red. He also noticed that they were looking directly at him.  
"Come on, you pussies" he shouted at them. It was obvious they'd been talking about him.  
Jeremy gave him the finger in the typical Clarkson style.  
"No, thank you, I'm fine up here" he said.  
"Okay, you bore. What about you James?" he asked and looked directly at him.  
"I'm not sure..." he begun and looked back at Richard.  
"Oh, come one" he pleaded. "Please." His eyes now met James'.  
"Fine" James said and started to undress. Richard watched with great pleasure as he clumsily removed his clothes and dived into the water to meet him.

. . . . .

James stood up in the water and both him and Jeremy laughed at Richard when he couldn't. He was simply too short.  
"Well, I think I'm heading back to the cottage" Jeremy said with a smirk and looked at James. "Have fun ladies." Richard and James watched his back as he walked off down the pier towards land and disappeared behind the trees, until there was nothing but silence.

They both swum out in the lake without speaking. It was nice in a way, not having to talk. James doubted he would be able to anyway. He always grew tongue tied when he was alone with Richard.  
"It's getting cold" Richard said to break the silence. "Let's head back."

Richard reached the pier first and sat up on the edge. He grabbed a towel for himself, and gave the other one to James. James sat up on the edge next to him and leered at Richard. Water was dripping from his messy hair, the last rays of sunlight were shining on his face and he was winded from the swim. The air was gradually becoming chilly, and James shivered and moved an inch closer to Richard. He rubbed his biceps to warm up. Richard looked at him for a moment, as if he was looking for the right words to say. He then looked out in the distance, and watched the sunset.  
"How are you?" Richard finally asked.  
"I'm good" James replied quietly. Richard turned to face him.  
"How are you, honestly?" his brown eyes were filled with worry. "You've seemed very unhappy lately." James had to look away. He couldn't face those eyes.  
"Fine" he sighed "I'm not all that good."  
"What's wrong? You can talk to me, you know that." Richard faced his whole upper body towards James'.  
"I-I... I can't. You wouldn't u-...understand" James stuttered.  
Richard put his warm hand on James' shoulder. "Please, talk to me. I hate seeing you like this."  
That's when James lost it. Richard's eyes were too tempting and his warm hand caused him to shiver. He leaned over, put a hand on Richard's cheek and kissed him.

Richard froze in shock first, but slowly answered his kiss. He put his hand around James' shoulder and felt his lips with his tongue. The kiss ended too quickly according to James. Richard pulled away hastily and got up.  
"I... I... I should go" he mumbled quickly and walked off, leaving James alone on the edge of tears.

The next couple of days were the worst days of James' entire life. Richard didn't speak to him at all. In fact, he didn't even look at him. James rarely left his room and he barely ate or slept. He spent the time lying on his bed with the blinds pulled down, staring at the ceiling. Jeremy popped in momentarily to check on him, but James barely had the energy to answer his question or listen to his blabbering. He was obviously making an effort to make him feel better, but he couldn't. All he could do was think about Richard. Oh, how he hated himself for being so foolish.  
_You imbecile, _he thought to himself. _There is absolutely no way he will ever feel the same about you. Now, look at the mess you've made. You pathetic idiot. _

Six days after James' incident, Richard knocked on the door, only to realize nobody was going to answer. He stepped in and looked at James. He was lying on his bed with his eyes closed, listening to music. Richard cleared his throat in an attempt to get James' attention. He managed to do so, and James looked at him with tired eyes.  
"I didn't want to bother you with... Whatever you're doing" Richard said coldly. "I wanted to let you know as well."  
James looked at him inappreciatively.  
"Stephie proposed to me. We're getting married."  
James felt his heart break inside his chest. He had to fight not to let any emotion out.  
"Very well" he managed to choke up, with closed eyes. He tried to hide the tears.  
Richard watched him for a minute, but realized he wasn't going to add anything else. He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

After letting a minute pass to make sure Richard was gone, he let his feelings show. Blinded by tears he ran out of the cottage and into the forest.

He ran for thirty minutes. He didn't know where he was, and quite frankly, he didn't care. He ran until he couldn't run any longer, and then he sat down against a tree, crying quietly. Whilst hugging his knees he rocked himself back and forth until he managed to relax, and he fell asleep against the tree.

It took James three hours to find his way back to the cottage. As he reached it he said hello to Jeremy with an emotionless voice. He walked into the tool shed around the back and grabbed a rope, and tied it into a snare. He walked into the bedroom and screwed out the light bulb from the ceiling, and attached the rope to it instead. With a hard pull he made sure the rope wasn't going to come down. He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text to Amy.  
_"He's getting married. I can't do this. I'm sorry." _  
He placed a chair under the snare, stepped upon it, put his head into the snare and kicked the chair away.

. . . . .

It was Jeremy who found him. He wanted to talk to James and knocked on the bedroom door several times. When nobody answered he opened the door and stepped him. The image he met was very shocking. James' lifeless body was hanging from the ceiling and his face was very pale. His phone was vibrating on the floor, and it had over ten missed calls. Jeremy was in a state of panic, but somehow managed to untie the rope, put James on the floor, grab James' phone and call an ambulance.  
"It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine" he spoke softly. His hands were shaking violently. Richard and Stephie weren't in, and he didn't know what to do.

Two minutes later the ambulance arrived. James was hurried into the car where they put an oxygen mask on him. Jeremy jumped in and sat next to James, holding his right hand. The ambulance drove off quicker than he'd ever felt a car drive before.

. . . . .

Richard's phone rang as he was sitting at a café, reading the news. Stephie was in a store somewhere, looking for clothes.  
"Richard?" he heard Jeremy's shaky voice stutter.  
"Yes, Jeremy. Are you ok?" he asked."  
"Yes, yes. I'm ok, I'm ok" he said repeatedly.  
"Where are you?" Richard asked anxiously.  
"At the hospital" Jeremy managed to stutter. "It's James."


	5. Losing you

**Chapter 5: Losing you.**

"_If it hurts this much, then it must be love  
And it's a lottery; I can't wait to draw your name"  
_Always Attract by You Me At Six

Richard froze with a tight grip around his phone. Slowly, he ended the call and put the phone back down his pocket. Almost as in a trance, he moved towards his car and got into the driver's seat. When the engine started he stomped on the pedal and drove way quicker than allowed down the main road, headed for the hospital. Despite the speed, it took him over ten minutes to reach the dull grey hospital building. He managed to find an available parking spot and gently parked his car.  
He had always hated hospital environments and they never ceased to send shivers down his spine. Besides, they smelled weirdly. Not bad, necessarily. They just smelled of nervous people's endless waiting for the doctor's news. Richard shivered but ignored the unwelcoming feeling and managed to proceed into the building.

The corridors were white. The ceiling was white. The floors were white. The people were dressed in white gowns. Everything was plain, miserably white. Richard slowly walked over to the white counter and knocked on the glass. A blonde woman dressed in black, surprisingly, opened up a small window in the glass.  
"How can I help you?" she said and smiled appreciatively at him.  
"Excuse me" he said and cleared his throat. "But where can I find James May? I'm a... friend of his and I would like to visit him."  
She typed "James May" into the old computer to her right and waited for the search results to arrive. "He's lying on floor 6, room 11" she said and smiled widely at him again.  
He looked down and mumbled a "thank you" and walked towards the staircase. He hated elevators.

Once he reached the sixth floor he was out of breath. He decided to sit down and regain some oxygen and gather courage before entering James' room. A green chair was available to the right of room eleven, so he occupied it. He tried to breathe normally and hid his face behind his hand. He was still nervous and anxious. On the phone Jeremy had said it was pretty serious. Richard didn't know how he would react when he saw James. After five minutes he'd gathered enough courage. He stood up slowly and looked at the door with the number eleven painted on it. With shaky hands he pulled the door handle down and stepped inside.

No courage in the world could ever have prepared him enough. The moment he walked into the small hospital room and saw James his knees started shaking. James was lying very still on the hospital bed in a white gown. He had a broad purple mark around his neck and his hair was very messy. His skin was pale and his eyes were closed. Richard took a deep breath and sat down on the chair next to James' bed. The room was indeed quite small. The walls were painted mint green and there was no furniture except for the bed, the chair, a small table and a pot with a large green plant in it. He took another glance at James. He was lying there looking utterly helpless. Richard's eyes filled up with tears and he grabbed James' hand. He tried to pull himself together but he couldn't manage it. Tears were streaming silently down his face and he closed his eyes.  
"What happened?" he whispered softly to James, aware of that he wouldn't answer. Richard reached over and gently kissed James' cheek, and then moved over from the chair to the floor. He sat down against the wall and closed his eyes again. He didn't even bother trying to stop the waterfall of tears that, by now, had stained his shirt. He let out a quiet sniffle and hugged his knees, burying his face into them.

Two days later Richard still hadn't slept. He hadn't eaten either for that matter. Jeremy was concerned for him too, and invited him over to talk. Richard sat on the kitchen chair at Jeremy's place and smoked a cigarette.  
"What happened?" Richard demanded to know.  
Jeremy hesitated for a moment. "Are you certain you want to know?" he asked.  
"I'm positive" he said and embraced the cigarette with his lips and sucked the smoke in, and slowly blew it out, through his nose.  
"Well..." Jeremy begun. "I was going to talk to him that day, because he had seemed very upset lately. I walked into his room and there he was, hanging from the ceiling."  
"What do you mean, hanging?" Richard asked and closed his eyes, taking another smoke.  
"S-suicide attempt" Jeremy said quietly and Richard choked. He had feared the worst, and the worst had been confirmed.  
"We had an incident..." Richard begun.  
"I guessed so. He does like you, you know." Jeremy said and looked at Richard.  
Richard nodded and grabbed another cigarette.  
"I know. We kissed" he said and didn't seem uncomfortable at all.  
"What did Stephie say?" Jeremy wanted to know.  
"I haven't told her."  
"Oh."  
"I can't tell her. She'd be devastated" Richard said truthfully.  
"Like James" Jeremy said and looked out the window into the distance.  
"Yeah..." Richard nodded with a painful expression. "I don't know what to do about him."  
"Give him time" Jeremy said. "I think he'll get over it."  
"I don't know... He could have died that day if you hadn't found him. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if he did."  
"Do you like him?" Jeremy asked.  
"What?"  
"Yes, do you like him?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Do you like him? Do you like James?" Jeremy asked and looked intensely at Richard's brown eyes. Richard looked away. Jeremy was met by Richard's silence before he decided to say something.  
"Yes, I guess I do" he confessed.  
"More than Stephie?" Jeremy asked in a serious voice.  
"Stop with all these questions!" Richard snapped, obviously annoyed.  
"Alright, alright. I'm sorry" Jeremy said and sighed. "But you do like him?"

Richard visited James every day, but James was never awake.  
"It's almost like a coma, but not quite" the doctors had informed him. "Severe lack of oxygen in the brain can also cause permanent brain damage. We haven't found any damage yet, but we're continuing to run tests on him."  
Richard did his best not to break down every time he sat next to James, listening to his heartbeat rate on the electrocardiography. With each week James was unconscious Richard lost more and more hope that he'd ever wake up. Stephie was worried about him. He spent so much time at the hospital he barely came home to eat or sleep. His desperation for James to wake up grew stronger every day. After a month he didn't know what to do with himself. He thought about all possible situations that would make him wake up, but only one seemed appealing to him.  
It was that typical Disney scene. To kiss the person. It was so impossible that at first, he didn't even consider trying. As the desperation reached its maximum, he decided to give it a go.

He leaned over towards James' lips, listened to his heart, then slowly pressed his lips against James'.

The first thing that happened was a real disappointment. Simply, nothing happened. Nothing at all. Richard sighed. "I knew it." He sat back down in his chair, letting that last bit of hope fade and continued to face his desperation.  
That's when the impossible took place. The first thing that happened was that James' heart rate increased. Richard froze and stared at James. Slowly, James breathing became stable and his heartbeat regained its normal pace. Richard continued staring at James' face and noticed how his eyes were moving behind the eyelids. Slowly, James opened his eyes and fixated them on Richard.  
Richard couldn't move nor talk. He was paralyzed at the sight of James' eyes. James moved his fingers slightly and Richard grabbed them and held them in his hand.  
The weakest of smiles escaped James' lips.


	6. Release

**Chapter 6: Release.**

"_If I could have just one wish,  
I would wish to wake up everyday  
to the sound of your breath on my neck,  
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,  
the touch of your fingers on my skin,  
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...  
Knowing that I could never find that feeling  
with anyone other than you."_  
By Courtney Kuchta

It was autumn, three months after James had opened his eyes for the first time since his suicide attempt. He was recovering slowly, but was not allowed to leave hospital. The doctors were worried he might still have suicidal thoughts, so they kept him under observation. No damage was found on James' brain, but there was something about him that had changed. He was more quiet than usual and he kept to himself. Richard and Jeremy were the only people he spoke to, although he did have difficulties being in the same room as Richard. He wasn't over him and he was certain he wouldn't get over him, ever. His moments with Jeremy, on the other hand, were more pleasant. He even looked forward to those visits sometimes. Jeremy was being his usual self, mocking him remorselessly. It was something he didn't say out loud, but he had missed it. Sadly, Jeremy visited less than Richard did. Each time Richard stepped into the room, James' heart stopped. Richard seemed completely unaware of the effect he had on James. When Richard smiled James' cheeks heated up and when he laughed he felt butterflies spread across his stomach.

It was an unusually cold and windy autumn day. It was the last week James had to spend in hospital. The last weeks of observation had been very pleasing for the hospital staff because James showed no signs of being suicidal anymore. He seemed to cope quite well, so they had decided they'd let him go. James now had the permission to talk a walk outside, with the downside of somebody accompanying him. He had protested violently when a member of the staff offered to walk with him. They discussed the matter and a few minutes later they decided one of James' friends would go with him. James deeply hoped it'd be Jeremy.

James was stood outside the grey building, smoking a cigarette in the cold. The doctors didn't seem to mind him smoking, strangely enough. Then again, many of the doctors smoked themselves. He shuddered as the wind blew straight through his thin jacket. It was all he had with him since summer since he hadn't been able to pick another jacket up. He waited impatiently for his fellow to arrive and jumped up and down, trying to create some imaginary heat. He missed home and his own bed, even though it was lonely. He also missed Amy. She'd been very worried about him, but she hadn't had time to visit him. They had spent many hours on the phone though, and James had spoken to her about what had happened. He felt a lot better now, thanks to her.  
The vague drone from a car sounded in the distance and awoke James from his thoughts.  
_It better be Clarkson _he thought to himself and tried to localise the car in the distance. When it came closer, the tough reality became painfully clear. It was a Porsche.  
"Oh, great" James muttered to himself as Richard's face poked out from the car window.  
"Hello James" he said and smiled widely at him.  
"Hello Hammond" James muttered and put his cigarette out.  
"You really shouldn't smoke" Richard said with a serious tone.  
"I know, and I really don't care" James said and looked at Richard. "You smoke too."  
"Only occasionally" Richard said happily.  
"Alright then" James muttered again. "Let's get on with this."

Richard and James walked down the narrow gravel path in the hospital park. James enjoyed the fresh air and ,surprisingly enough, Richard's company. It was mostly because he kept quiet. Something seemed to be bothering him. James didn't bother asking what it might be; he preferred the silence.  
"James?" Richard broke the silence.  
"Yes, Hammond, what is it?" James replied unwillingly.  
"What actually happened that night?" Richard asked softly. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."  
James hesitated for a long while. He was battling himself in his mind, not being able to decide what to do. Would he tell him how he felt and reveal what happened, or would he not? He decided to remain quiet.

"You know I care about you, yes?" Richard said and looked at him with his deep brown eyes. James felt his cheeks redden.  
"Yes... yes" he mumbled and looked away.  
Richard smiled and giggled.  
"Why are you blushing?" he asked curiously.  
"Ehm... I... I'm not" James stuttered and laughed uneasily.  
"Yes. Yes, you are" Richard said and smirked.  
James muttered something that wasn't understandable and looked at his feet. He kicked a pebble that laid in front of him and sighed.  
"I... Ilikeyou" James mumbled quickly.  
"I'm sorry, what?" Richard asked. He hadn't understood a word.  
"It's stupid" James said and sighed.  
"What is?"  
"It doesn't matter" James sighed and shook his head.  
"Oh, come on!" Richard said, a bit too loud, and lowered his voice. "I want to know. It matters to me." James looked Richard directly in the eyes for a long moment, then he finally said it.  
"I like you."  
Richard shook his head unsympathetically. "What do you mean?"  
"Exactly what I said. I like you. Probably more than I should."  
"Oh" Richard said, after a moment of silence. "Since when?"  
"Since always" James said. He'd been facing away from Richard for a while. He leered at him and found out that he was doing the same. James eyed the path in front of them instead, as their eyes met.  
"I shouldn't have told you" James said miserably and sighed.  
"Yes" Richard spoke softly. "I told you it matters to me. I mean it."  
"So you're not disgusted by the fact that I like you?"  
"No, not at all."  
There was a definite awkward silence during the rest of the walk.

. . . . .

James was finally being released. He had made an agreement with Amy that he'd sleep at her house for a week or so before he moved back into his own home. She wanted to make sure he was going to be okay on his own. She didn't truly believe the doctor's observations either.. Amy still thought that James was depressed, and she wanted to help him this time, instead of trying something as radical as suicide. James was, yet again, standing outside the hospital doors. This time without a cigarette. He spotted Amy's small, orange car from a few hundred meters and prepared to meet her. She seemed very happy to meet him as she ran out of the car to hug him tightly. He kissed her cheek and she laughed at him.

"Hello James! Do you have your things ready?" she said cheerfully.  
James looked at his nonexistent luggage and shrugged. "I guess so. I need some clothes though. Would you mind if I pick some up on the way?"  
Amy had nothing against the suggestion. They got into her car and drove off towards James' home.

After a thirty minute long stop at James' they finally reached Amy's house. It was a lot smaller than James' which wasn't surprising. After all, James was famous and had a lot of money; Amy wasn't. However, Amy's house had an inevitable cosiness factor that James' didn't have. Her house was pink. It seemed out of character, but she loved pink. She had filled her fairly large garden with different rare flowers and trees. In the right corner, between two beautiful birches, a hammock was set up. Even in the dull season of autumn her garden looked nice.  
James and Amy walked into her house and Amy showed him around. She had a modern kitchen in black and white, and a warm, bright living room. She had two bedrooms and two bathrooms which, also, were warm and bright.  
"You can have the other bedroom" Amy said and pointed towards the smaller one.  
James put his clothes in the drawers of the bedroom and sat down on his bed.  
"This will be perfect. Thank you for letting me stay" James said and smiled friendly at Amy.

In the evening that same day, James and Amy sat around the small kitchen table, enjoying a nice cup of vanilla tea. They were talking casually about what happened when James was gone, and what he planned to do now. James was going to continue being a part of Top Gear, and was going to go back to the studio for recordings very soon.  
"Those two pillocks wouldn't be able to handle it without me" James said and grinned.  
Amy laughed and nodded in agreement. She was very fond of James and was glad he was back.  
A buzz from James' phone caught his attention and he got his phone out of his pocket.  
"James. Meet me outside your house at 2 A.M. We need to talk." he read on the screen. It was from Richard. James took a quick look at his watch. It was nine o'clock. He looked at his phone's screen again, then slowly turned his attention back to Amy again.  
"Richard wants to see me tonight. He wants to talk" he said and looked at her. "What do you think I should do? I don't want to get hurt again. I couldn't possibly deal with it again."

Amy sat quite for a while, thinking about what she was going to say.  
"Well" she finally said. "Do what you think is right. After all, only you can decide if it's worth the risk."  
James looked out the window. It was dark since long and it was raining. The wind tore the leaves off an old oak that stood on the grass beside Amy's street.  
"I have to go" James said. "He's never asked me to do that before. It must be important."  
"Then so be it" Amy said. "If something goes wrong, call me. I'll pick you up. Okay?"  
James looked down on his right hand and tore an old part of skin off his thumb.  
"Okay" he said quietly.  
"Do you promise?" Amy asked and looked at James demandingly.  
"Yes... yes. I promise."

. . . . .

Richard nervously paced back and forth. It was ten minutes past two. He was fearing James wouldn't show up and it was cold; something Richard was definitely not dressed for. He sat down on James' front door stairs and turned around and rested his back against the white concrete wall. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying not to think about the chill. Suddenly he could hear footsteps in the distance. He focused on the familiar sound of someone dragging the feet across the ground, instead of lifting them completely. _It must be James _he thought. Richard opened his eyes and rightly, it was. He smiled to himself as he watched James approach the garden and look around, obviously looking for him.  
"Over here" Richard shouted and it made James jump.  
"There you are" James said with a nervous smile. He walked over to Richard and sat down beside him, also with his back against the concrete. James fiddled with a cigarette packet and looked at Richard. "You wanted to talk" he said.  
"Yes" Richard nodded and took a deep breath and shuddered.  
"So..." James lit a cigarette and slowly sucked the smoke in. "What did you want to talk about?"

Richard seemed to hesitate for a moment. He took the cigarette from James' hand and pressed his own lips around it and took a deep smoke. Then, he handed it back to James again.  
"I'm sorry for how I've been" Richard said and looked at James with miserable eyes. "I didn't know how to deal with everything that's happened."  
James didn't answer. He just sat there with his eyes closed, smoking his cigarette.  
"I've been very heartless and I'm sorry" Richard said and moved closer to James. James froze in his position at the touch of Richard's body against his.  
"The thing is" Richard mumbled close to James' ear. "I like you too."  
Before James had time to react, Richard leaned over and softly pressed his cold lips against James'. James answered the kiss and put his hand around Richard's neck, pulling his hair slightly. James' heart was pounding with the speed of light. Too soon, Richard pulled away and James opened his eyes and looked at him. Richard's hair was slightly messy, his cheeks were bright red and his lips were spread into a wide smile. James couldn't help but smile back. Richard sat up again close to James and put his head on his shoulder and snuggled his nose against James' neck. James tucked Richard into his arms; he'd never felt happier before in his life.


	7. New York

**Chapter 7: New York.**

"_I've been feeling everything  
From hate to love  
From love to lust  
From lust to truth  
I guess that's how I know you"_

Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran

A loud knock on the door awoke Amy from her slumber. Her neck muscles were aching; she'd fallen asleep in an awkward position on the kitchen table. She grunted quietly and answered the door.  
"Thank God it's you. I was starting to get worried" Amy said and looked at James, trying to read his expression. It wasn't hard. He was smiling widely, and his eyes were shining like the sun itself.  
"I take it it went well" she added and laughed at his goofy smile.  
"Yes" he nodded and embraced Amy with a hug. Amy pulled away because of James' cold skin and suggested they'd go inside immediately. They sat down on the comfortable couch in the living room, and Amy got James a checked blanket and a cup of tea. She sat down beside him.  
"Now... Tell me everything" she said excitedly and James was elated.

. . . . .

Top Gear was finally going on air. James was considered well enough to participate, and Jeremy didn't hesitate to make sure everybody knew how exalted he was to finally be able to mock him again. The trio were making their way to the airport, in a car each, followed by the camera crew.  
"Cock" James' voice came from the walkie-talkie. "I'm lost."  
Richard joined in Jeremy's remorseless laughter and James frowned at his walkie-talkie.  
"How?" Richard laughed. "You live five minutes away from it."  
"Well, I don't usually go there, do I?" James defended himself, to spare some dignity.  
This, however, made them laugh even harder.  
"Do you have any idea where you are, mate?" Richard asked once he'd calmed down.

"No. Otherwise I wouldn't be lost, would I?" James snorted.  
"Touché" Jeremy said into the walkie-talkie. "Well, gentlemen. I've arrived."  
Jeremy was followed by Richard and the camera crew, but there was still no sign of James.  
After half an hour of trying to explain to James how to turn the navigator on, his Fiat Panda finally rolled up beside the team and a moody James stepped out.  
"Nice ride" Jeremy said and winked at Richard, who tried hard not to laugh.  
"There's nothing wrong with it; it's a nice car!" James muttered and Jeremy just shook his head.  
They all made their way to the entrance of the airport, and found their terminal.

The flight to America was approximately a twelve hours long trip. James, who wasn't particularly keen on flying, sat with closed eyes in his seat, obviously trying to fight his fears away. Jeremy was sitting next to him, on the chair closest to the middle path. He had intentionally chosen that spot so he could look at the pretty flight attendants' bottoms. James, however, wasn't interested at all.  
"Look at that!" Jeremy said as a blonde attendant walked by. "That is proof of Mother Nature's perfection."  
"Jeremy, you ignorant pillock" James said through gritted teeth. "Will you please shut up?"  
"No" Jeremy answered truthfully and James grunted.  
"Hammond?" James shouted loudly enough for his co-worker to hear it.  
"Yes?" he shouted back.

"Please, switch seats with Clarkson. He's being a cock."  
"No, I'm not!" Jeremy shouted, equally loudly.  
Richard's laugh sounded through the air plane's corridor, but eventually they swapped seats.  
"Thank you" James told Richard. "Now, be quiet."  
Richard showed his white teeth in an amused smile, but kept quiet.

_"There will be some turbulence ahead, please fasten your belts and remain seated " _a female voice announced through the speakers. "Great" James muttered and took a deep breath. He clenched the armrest of his chair and closed his eyes.  
"I didn't know you were afraid of flying" Richard said gently as he watched the terrified look on James' face, slightly amused.

"I'm not" James answered quickly, but realised it was no use and nodded weakly.  
"It's okay pal, I'm here" Richard said calmly and smiled at James, who had opened his eyes and looked at him suspiciously. Richards eyes showed no sign of lying or teasing, so James simply nodded, mumbled a quiet "thank you" and closed his eyes again.  
The aircraft started shaking, like the announcer had promised, and James' grip of the armrests tightened. He felt the panic slowly building up. Richard noticed and discretely put his hand on top of James', brushing his fingers slowly with his thumb. James froze at the soft touch but slowly let his body relax, his grip loosening. The turbulence lasted for twenty minutes, but he managed to stay calm, not able to think of anything but his co-workers hand on his. Richard pulled away when the now familiar voice announced the rest of the flight would be clear and James gave Richard a shy smile. James had finally accepted the fact that he was head over heels in love with his colleague.

. . . . .

The Top Gear team were gathered in their studio on New York City. They were planning to film the next two episodes, and they had to get everybody prepared. The studio was not near as big as the one back in Great Britain, but it worked. After all, it was New York.  
"Firstly, we're going to test the new Porsche Boxter" Jeremy said. "Ugly as ever."  
"Porches are beautiful creations" said Richard and looked hurt. "At least my 911 is."  
Jeremy looked at James and made a gagging noise.  
"It's grey" James pointed out. "The only way that it could possibly look good is if it was white. A bit like my Porsche 911 actually." Richard gave him the finger and told Jeremy to continue with the schedule. "We are going to have a race with tractors" Jeremy said and Richard immediately ceased to look moody. "Race with tractors? Where?" Richard asked happily.  
"Just outside of town" Jeremy explained and brought up a map. "There." He pointed towards the edge of the map, in a place that looked like it was filled with nothing.  
"It is in the middle of nowhere" Jeremy said, as if he could sense what everybody was thinking. "May, you have to go with Hammond. We wouldn't want you to get lost." James agreed for once; he didn't feel like getting lost in the middle of nowhere. Besides, he was sure he'd enjoy being alone with Richard momentarily. He hadn't got any time with him the past week in New York. In fact, they'd barely spoken to each other.

"Alright" Jeremy said to the rest of the crew. "We're good to go."

Jeremy, in his own car, the film crew in theirs, and James and Richard in Richard's car, took off down the highway. Richard didn't go easy on the throttle; a sign that he was in a good mood. James had noticed he always seemed to drive quickly when he was happy.  
"I will beat you" Richard said to break the silence in the car. James knew that was probably true. Richard was very competitive; something James was not. He enjoyed a steady pace.  
"Yes, you probably will" he confessed and Richard laughed.  
"You aren't even going to try, are you?" he said and sounded amused.  
"Yes, in my own way" James replied calmly and Richard laughed again. "You utter cock, stop laughing at me." Richard didn't. Instead he thought it'd be funny to turn James' seat heater on without him noticing. James sighed and turned it off.  
"I've missed you" James said quietly and Richard smiled to himself.

Jeremy was right. They were in the middle of nowhere, and it was indeed very muddy. Clarkson, May and Hammond had been assigned a tractor each, and they were going to ride around a wet, muddy track with many deadly corners. Richard was very excited to start, but they had to add a few safety measures before driving. Once everything was settled, they got into a tractor each and familiarized with the vehicles. Richard, who was a quick learner, was already driving around like a mad man with Jeremy on his tail. James got everything working slower, which wasn't surprising to any of them. They lined up and the countdown began.  
_"Three. Two. One. GO!" _the announcer yelled into his megaphone and the three men stood on their pedals and began the race. Richard quickly took the lead, while James insisted on being last. Jeremy was right behind Richard, desperately trying to overtake him. Mud was shooting everywhere and James was unfortunate enough to be hit by most of it.  
"Stop driving like cocks and spewing mud all over me" James shouted in the walkie talkie. Of course, this had the opposite effect. Both Jeremy and Richard changed tactics and decided to make James as muddy as possible. James realised what they were planning to do, and did something he'd never done before. He tried to overtake them. James stood on his pedal and accelerated quickly. Richard and Jeremy were completely surprised by his actions, and didn't have time to react before James had overtaken them both. Two more corners left until James could claim his victory. The first corner he managed smoothly, without letting his co-workers overtake him. However, the last corner was a particularly sharp one. James had way too much speed to be able to brake on the slippery surface. His entire tractor ended up falling over; something both Richard and Jeremy found hilarious. They were both laughing so hard they completely forgot about the race and crossed the finish line at the same time. James slowly crawled out from his tractor and jumped off it. The ground was so slippery he fell face down and got even more covered in mud.  
Richard and Jeremy both doubled at the sight and Richard had tears in his eyes from laughing.  
James was muddy, cold and wet but he couldn't stop himself from laughing.

The film crew had left with the tractors and Jeremy was trying to find a hotel where they could spend the night. Most of them were already full. James was shuddering from the cold. After thirty minutes he managed to find a hotel not too far away with available rooms. He booked it and looked at his colleagues.  
"Gentlemen, I've found a hotel" Jeremy said. "However, I only managed to get two rooms. I'm not sharing room with either of you." It was pretty clear Jeremy intended to occupy the single bed room. James and Richard shrugged and agreed to sharing room.  
"They have single beds, right?" Richard asked. Jeremy laughed.  
"No" he answered. "I'm afraid you're sharing a double bed." He winked at James. James felt his cheeks redden and looked down on his feet. Richard scratched his head awkwardly, but shrugged. He was too tired to care that they'd share bed.

A less happy Richard drove a muddy James to the hotel.  
"You're ruining the seats" he muttered and James smiled weakly.  
"I'm sorry about that." He continued to stare out the window. The dark world was flying past him and it made him gloomy. Richard had acted like nothing had happened every since they arrived in New York. It was like they'd never kissed. James began doubting his own mind. Had they really kissed? Had Richard really grabbed his hand? He sighed and scratched his forehead, then pressed his cheek against the car window. He was silent and Richard was equally so, except for when he decided to mutter something about his car getting dirty. Soon, but not soon enough, they reached the destination and James stepped out of the vehicle quickly. He asked Jeremy for the key to their room and walked towards his and Richard's room. The hotel was fancy, but quite small. He felt like an alien, walking through the corridor, covered with mud from head to toes. He unlocked the room and hurried into the bathroom. He undressed quickly and stepped into the shower, letting the warm water slowly clean his body. He rubbed some shampoo into his hair and dunked it off. A noise from outside the bathroom told James that Richard had entered the hotel room as well. James sighed and rubbed his neck; he could make out Richard's silhouette through the frosted window. After what seemed like an eternity he turned the water off, wrapped a towel around his hips and walked out of the bathroom without giving Richard as much as a glance. He walked straight to the drawer where the hotel had prepared some clothes for him, and got dressed. Slowly, he walked back to the bathroom and threw the towel on the floor, and then headed for the bed. Richard still hadn't said a word. He was sitting on a chair watching the news on the television. James jumped in bed, curled up under the sheets and turned his back against Richard. He closed his eyes and tried not to think of his presence in the room.

After an hour Richard finally broke the silence.  
"Are you awake?" he purred softly.  
"Mhm" James mumbled into his pillow.  
Richard didn't say anything for another few minutes, and James was getting more and more tired. Eventually, he was almost asleep. Richard clumsily slammed the bathroom door shut and woke him from his slumber. He sighed to himself. Richard had never been a discrete person, really. James made himself comfortable again, still facing away from Richard's side of the bed. He heard the door open again and he heard Richard walk over to the lamp and turn it off. James couldn't see a thing and he rubbed his eyes gently. Suddenly, he was very aware of the body that sat down on the bed. He stopped breathing for a moment as Richard accidentally touched him while moving around, trying to get comfortable. James moved closer to the edge of his side to avoid having to feel Richard's skin again. He wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it. Eventually, Richard's body became still and James turned around to face the roof. He couldn't sleep.  
"Hammond?" he asked tensely.  
"Yes?" Richard sounded wide awake.  
James was quiet and still for a moment. When he spoke, he sounded pained and weak.  
"Do you regret it?" he asked Richard quietly, and looked at Richard's silhouette in the darkness. Richard was faced towards him, lying on his side.

"Regret what?" he murmured softly.

"You know" James hesitated. "Kissing me." He couldn't look Richard in the eyes, so he pulled his covers up to his head. Richard was quite during what seemed like an hour. Then, he finally spoke.  
"No" he admitted. "No, I don't regret it." James let the words sink through and met Richard's eyes.  
"Then why have you been acting like nothing has happened? I don't understand." James bit his bottom lip.  
"I'm sorry" Richard spoke softly and moved closer to James. He put his hand on James' face and brushed his jaw with his fingers. James' heart skipped a beat.  
"I was afraid I'd cross a line." Richard mumbled and nervously moved even closer to James.  
"Cross a line?" James' voice was shaky from Richard's body heat against his.  
"Mhm" Richard mumbled into James' neck and softly kissed it, and placed kisses across his collar bone. James shivered and grabbed Richard's neck, feelings his soft hair with his fingers. James groaned as Richard bit his neck and slowly kissed his way up his jaw, leaving James' skin on fire.  
Slowly, their lips met for the third time ever. This time it was a needfully, passionate and warm kiss. James bit Richard's bottom lip and rubbed his back with his hands. Richard was cupping his face, sliding his tongue across James' lips. James was already out of breath and his veins were boiling. Richard pulled away from James and looked him in the eyes.  
"By the way" he said. "I've missed you too. I've missed you like crazy." He placed a soft kiss on James' cheek and James pulled him close. Richard laid his head to rest on James' chest and James held him. He swore to himself that he'd thank Jeremy for letting them share the room before falling asleep with the man he loves in his arms.


	8. Redemption

**Chapter 8: Redemption.**

"_When you cry  
A piece of my heart dies_  
_Knowing that I may have been the cause  
If you were to leave  
And full fill someone else's dreams  
I think I might totally be lost"  
_The Girl by City and Colour

Jeremy was driving everybody nuts with his hangover, gloomy mood. He'd spent the entire afternoon harassing a poor American guy from Ford, wanting to introduce their latest car to them. "It under steers like a grandma on crack" Jeremy complained loudly. "Besides, it's so ugly I'd rather sit in James' Panda than drive this. I mean, look at it. It looks like a mangled cat; and listen to that noise. Actually, no. Don't. Spare some dignity."  
"Shut your face, Clarkson" James muttered and shook his head.  
"You do realise you can't possibly shut him up, right?" Richard said and pitied the poor Ford guy, looking terrified at Jeremy as he continued shouting at him.  
The film crew decided to call it a day; Jeremy was costing them more money than he was making. Besides, Jeremy's mood affected everybody around him. Eventually, everybody were walking around muttering things to each other and fighting over the silliest things. As soon as the manager had announced they were free to go home, Jeremy cheered up significantly. In fact, his mood changed so significantly he suggested they'd all go out to have dinner the same evening. Relieved Jeremy was in a less cocky mood, Richard, James, their manager and a few camera men accepted the invitation and it was settled. They'd meet up at seven.

. . . . .

James carefully eyed his reflection in the mirror. He knew he'd gathered some weight during the last few years, but he hadn't really seemed to mind until now. Sighing, he threw another shirt on the floor and returned to the drawer. He silently cursed himself for not bringing more clothes to America and eventually picked one of the shirts up from the floor and put it on. His hands were trembling as he buttoned up his shirt. Why was he so nervous? He'd never been nervous about going out before, especially not with the team. They'd been friends for years. He sucked his stomach in and sighed. "Bloody Hammond" he muttered and sat down on the small hotel bed. They'd switched hotels about an hour ago, but this time he wasn't sharing room with Richard. He found himself missing him. Although they'd only spent one night together he'd never forget the way Richard looked in the morning, or the way he carefully brushed his white teeth. Or, for that matter, the way his lips tasted. He sighed miserably and looked out the window. His room was on the seventh floor and he enjoyed the view from his window. He could overlook the street and watch people walk by in their daily hurry.  
Richard had started avoiding him as much as possible again, which pained James more than it should have. On a normal day he would have walked up to him and asked "Why are you deliberately ignoring me, you complete arse?" and Richard would have laughed at him and promptly stated he wasn't. This was different. He couldn't seem to work properly around Richard anymore and he was certain Richard knew.

A knock on the door pulled James away from his thoughts and he answered it.  
"Hello Hammond" James greeted his friend tiredly and forced himself to smile.  
"Uh, hi" Richard answered awkwardly and smiled back."I was supposed to pick you up."  
Richard scratched the back of his head lightly. He was irresistible. Before thinking about what he was doing, James leaned over and kissed his cheek. Richard froze and looked away.  
"We... uhm... We should be going" he mumbled and pulled away. "I'll wait in the, uhm, lobby." Richard quickly took off down the corridor and James covered his face in his palms.  
"Cock" he swore, and he knew the night was going to be long.

He was right; the uncomfortable silence in the car said it all. James stared out the window trying his hardest not to look at Richard, and Richard gripped the steering wheel firmly, his knuckles whitening. James let out a silent sigh, hoping Richard wouldn't hear, but momentarily Richard's eyes left the road and landed on James. James felt his cheeks heat up.  
"Stop looking at me, Hammond" he muttered and Richard looked away again.  
After fifteen very long minutes they reached the restaurant and James hurried out to meet Jeremy.  
"Clarkson" he said with a smile and Jeremy looked at him with an amused look.  
"Hello, May" he answered. "Hammond" he nodded at Richard. "Let's go, I'm starving."

The restaurant was small, but large enough for the twenty-people big company. The Asian theme was obvious, with red walls and beautiful golden details. The wall on the far end of the room was covered with enormous mirrors, making the room seem twice as large. A table was set up in the middle of the room, made especially for them. Jeremy hurried to occupy the most comfortable seat, shortly followed by Richard who sat down next to him. The remaining spots were filled until there was only one seat available. It was next to Richard and James was the only one still standing up. James sighed and went to sit down by his friends, awkwardly positioning himself on the chair next to Richard's. He glanced at the pathetic mess Richard called his hair and accidentally elbowed Richard as he sat down.

"Ouch, you bloody idiot" Richard complained and James couldn't help but giggle when he noticed the amused look on Jeremy's face.  
"You two are like a married couple" Jeremy laughed and Richard seemed to blush.  
"Shut your face, Clarkson" James said with feign annoyance but chuckled and looked at Jeremy, who winked at him. He didn't have time to ask about it before the food was served.

. . . . .

Two meals and several bottles of wine later the atmosphere was euphoric. Jeremy spoke loudly with the manager about, surprisingly enough, cars. Richard was listening half-heartedly to Jeremy's blabbering. James however, couldn't listen at all. During the last hour Richard had seemed to move closer and closer to him, and they were now so close he could feel his thigh against his. The heat made him feel uncomfortable, and it didn't help that Richard's hands were resting on his own thighs under the table; they occasionally touched James' and it made his skin crawl. After half an hour he could no longer stand it and got up.  
"I'm going for a smoke" he excused himself hurriedly and walked out of the restaurant. He walked down the narrow walkway through the restaurant's garden and sat down on the curb siding the main road. He wiped his nervous sweaty hands on his pants and lit a cigarette. With two fingers he held it and tried to relax. It was impossible. He blushed and shook his head, really making an effort to not think about Richard's lips or the way it'd feel to touch hi-  
"Yes... Yes... Okay" Richard's voice came from the restaurant's exit. James looked back and saw Richard standing there, holding his cell phone against his ear, smoking a cigarette.

"I miss you too, but I'll be home soon..." Richard said. "Yeah, I love you too Stephie."  
James closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. It still hurt him.  
"James?" Richard yelled and started walking towards where James was sat. He didn't say anything, however. He didn't want his voice to break up.  
"James, are you okay?" Richard asked softly and sat down next to him. James didn't answer.  
"Why are you crying?" he sounded genuinely worried.  
"It's nothing" James answered quietly and looked down on his hands.  
Richard leaned over and stroke a tear away from James' cheek with his thumb.  
James couldn't help himself when he felt Richard's skin against his. He leaned over and clung around Richard's neck, crying onto his shoulder. Richard was a little shocked at first, but put his arms around James and stroke his back soothingly with both hands.  
"It's okay, James" Richard whispered into James' ear.  
"No" James stuttered and Richard leaned in to kiss his cheek. James pulled away.  
"You shouldn't do that" James said, his voice had suddenly become cold. "Stephie-"  
Before James could finish his sentence Richard had cupped James' face with his hand and kissed him. "But Stephie..." he mumbled into Richard's mouth. He tasted of wine, cigarettes and mint.  
"Shhh" Richard hushed him and bit his bottom lip softly. James groaned quietly.

Far too soon Richard pulled away and looked away into the distance embarrassedly.  
"We should..." Richard said and nodded at the restaurant. James got the hint. Richard stood up and seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then lent James his hand and helped him up, softly touching James' wrist at the same time. James shuddered and gave him a shy smile.

. . . . .

"Bugger me, what a load of wank" Richard swore loudly and kicked the wheels of his car. Both Jeremy and James who were stood beside him, were bent over from laughter.  
"Stop _laughing, _it's not funny. Get over here and help me instead, you useless idiots."  
"Your Porsche was bound to breakdown" Jeremy managed to state between the laughs.  
"Cock" Richard told him and returned to the bonnet. Jeremy managed to get himself together and walked over to his own Mercedes and jumped in.  
"In the usual Top Gear tradition, I shall leave the two of you to it. See you later chaps!"  
Richard gave him the finger as Jeremy drove past them and disappeared around the corner.  
"I'm surprised he can even drive after that much wine" James muttered. "It's probably way beyond illegal." Richard nodded and smiled hopelessly.  
"Now what do I do? My car's broke down, it's dark, I'm not drunk enough and my hotel is too far way. Damned Jeremy, always picking a restaurant in the middle of nowhere" Richard sighed.  
James leered slightly at Richard.  
"Well..." James looked awkward. "You could always sleep in my hotel room for tonight." He was obviously nervous. "You know, until you've fixed your car."  
Richard was contemplating the offer in silence."Yes" he managed. "That would be nice. James lips parted into a slight smile. Richard put his hands in his pockets nervously.  
"After you" he gestured, and James quietly lead the way to the hotel.

James' room was tiny and the bed was a pathetic excuse for a double bed.  
"It looks like we're sharing" Richard said and James nodded awkwardly. He'd shared bed with Richard so many times before, but he still got nervous. Richard, who was too tired to care, undressed in front of James and made himself comfortable under the sheets. James, however, got undressed in the bathroom and hurried across the room into the bed, so Richard wouldn't look at him. He placed himself on the far edge of the bed and closed his eyes, trying not to think of Richard's inevitable presence. Richard didn't make that easier, exactly. He was shuffling around, trying to get comfortable, and that made him move closer to James. Although, after half an hour of moving around, Richard's body relaxed and James was convinced he'd fallen asleep. He, on the other hand, was wide awake. Closing his eyes, he let his mind wander.

It wasn't the first time he'd fantasised about Richard. He'd done it an endless amount of times. The only difference here, was that Richard was actually there, next to him. They were in the same bed and James couldn't stop himself. He tried to avoid the thought of Richard's naked body next to his, but it didn't work. He felt his body heat up and sighed.  
"You okay?" Richard mumbled from behind somewhere.  
_Bugger_. He'd been so certain he was asleep.

"Ehm, yes" James coughed awkwardly and tried to get comfortable again. The heat made that impossible. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He froze, and his skin seemed to burn from the touch. Slowly, felt the hand move down from his shoulder to his hips, then slowly going forw-  
"Hammond? What are you doing?" James asked quietly and tried not to let his voice show he was turned on. Richard's hand stopped, luckily before James' situation was revealed. He turned to face Richard, and found him doing the same. Richard's cheeks were red, even in the darkness and his lips were parted in a wide smile. The moment their eyes met, Richard leaned forward and pressed his lips against James' softly.  
"Hammond" James groaned but kissed back, and put his hands around Richard's neck.  
"James" Richard answered politely, as if what they were doing was completely normal.  
Richard bit James' neck softly, and James stoke his hand down Richard's back. Both were panting slightly.  
"Hammond..." James pulled away, and looked at him.  
"What?" Richard seemed slightly annoyed.  
"Why do you keep doing this?" he asked quietly.  
"Doing what?"  
"Seducing me" James mumbled embarrassedly.  
"Well" Richard caught one of James' soft locks between his fingers and stoke it. "I love you."  
Richard eyes were looking directly into James'. James could tell he'd been drinking, but he seemed to be honest. James' heart was thudding in his chest.  
"Really? What about Stephie?" James looked away.  
"Yes... I don't know" Richard seemed pained. "I do love her, but not like this. I've never felt this way about anybody."  
James' cheeks were getting seriously pink and his heart felt as if it was about to explode. He reached out and stoke Richard's cheek with his hand.  
"I love you too" he said and pressed his lips against Richard's. Richard pressed his body against James', and he noticed he wasn't the only one with a situation. Richard's hard on was pressing against James' thigh and James gasped for air.  
"Oh, Hammond" he breathed and dug his fingers into his friend's hair and kissed him passionately.

James had never felt more alive before.


	9. Stay close, don't go

**Chapter 9: Stay close, don't go.  
**

_"Everything I've told you was true  
So imagine my surprise when I blink my eyes  
And realize that I've been talking to you  
And I've told you everything  
Even the parts I'd meant to leave out"_

We Have Seen the Enemy by the Mountain Goats__

_**  
**_

James slowly opened his eyes. His head was aching and he grunted quietly.  
"What's up?" Richard mumbled into his side and James' eyes widened. On his bed, his hotel bed, laid Richard Hammond, snuggled up to him. _How much did I drink last night? _He thought to himself and looked down at his... Well, I guess you could call him his lover. Thoughtfully he stroke Richard's soft hair and Richard sighed appreciatively.  
"We didn't... you know...?" James asked shyly.  
"Didn't what?" Richard looked at him with his big, innocent, brown eyes.  
"You know..." James cleared his throat. "Engage in intercourse." His cheeks reddened.  
Richard shook lightly from laughter. "No, we didn't."  
"Good" James mumbled softly. "Do you remember anything from last night?" he added carefully.  
"My car broke down and we kissed. That's about what I remember" Richard answered after thinking for a moment. James' heart sunk. _He doesn't remember he told me he loved me. _He sighed and shuffled away from Richard, who didn't seem too happy about being moved from his comfortable position. "We better get ready, or Jezza is going to wonder" James said tiredly and sat up on the edge of the bed, stretching his worn muscles.  
"Mhm" Richard mumbled into his pillow. "In five minutes."  
James sighed but smiled at Richard's utter laziness and made his way into the small bathroom. He washed his face with ice cold water, almost as if he wanted to reassure he wasn't still sleeping. The dark circles beneath his eyes made him look vaguely like a ghost in the damp light of the bathroom's light bulb. It wasn't exactly a fancy hotel, but this time he didn't mind. In fact, he didn't even mind that stuff was spread out across the room. Usually he would have lost it and spent endless hours trying to organise clothes after colour and size, but this time he didn't. He couldn't care enough when Richard was there. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it. After brushing his teeth carefully he walked back out to Richard, who had fallen asleep again. Carefully he sat down on Richard's side of the bed, trying his best not to wake him up. Softly, he stroke his thumb against Richard's jaw and cheek and he smiled in his sleep.  
_He's so beautiful _James thought and looked at Richard's peaceful face once more before getting up from the bed. Unfortunately, James tripped on a wire and fell face down with a loud crash. Richard immediately woke up. He looked confused at first, but when he saw his colleague on the floor trying to get up he burst out laughing.  
"Shut up Hammond" James muttered but Richard didn't listen as usual.  
"You bloody idiot" he managed between the laughs and James gave him the finger.

Hastily, if not awkwardly, the both men got dressed and walked out to the hotel's lobby, awaiting Jeremy's arrival. They didn't speak much; it was a kind of unspoken agreement. In fact, they didn't exchange a word until Jeremy got there in his Mercedes. With him in the lead, the three of them drove off in their cars to their last challenge before returning home to England.

. . . . .

"I'm knackered" Richard yawned sleepily as he sat on the uncomfortable American office couch and put his feet on the table. James glared at him but Richard didn't seem to mind the table getting dirty.  
"Remove your feet, you idiot" James muttered and Richard studied his face.  
"What if I told you I don't want to?" he said and smirked.  
"Very well" James said and got up and pushed Richard's feet off the table.  
"Hey! That's not fair" Richard tried to protest but he was interrupted by James, who checked to see if anybody was around and kissed his cheek. Richard game him a sly smile and elbowed him.

"Ouch. What was that for?" James complained and Richard nodded towards the corridor.  
"Jeremy's coming."  
"Hello chaps" Jeremy greeted them and sat down on the sofa next to Richard. James exchanged an amused look with Richard, who smiled slightly.

"_What?_" Jeremy said.  
"Nothing" both of them replied way too quickly and Jeremy rolled his eyes.

"So... What do we have left?" Richard yawned lazily.  
"Well, we've got the race with the lorries left and then we're going back to England." Jeremy said.

"Finally" Richard breathed. The conversation died as they were all too tired to bother saying anything. A few minutes later though, their manager entered the room to tell them they had to get started.

. . . . .

Driving a lorry seemed extremely easy at first, but it turned out it was actually stupidly hard. Richard had problems switching gears and almost flipped his enormous vehicle over in one of the sharper corners. James, on the other hand, had troubles even starting the damn thing. Several "cock"s came from the walkie-talkie and Richard couldn't help but smile to himself. Jeremy was doing surprisingly well as he raced down the track, overtaking Hammond who gave him the finger and tried to catch up. It all ended up in one massive fiasco. Richard's lorry fell over, James crashed straight into it and Jeremy drove off the track from laughing too hard at his co-workers.  
"Oh, cock" James said. "Are you alright, Hammond?"  
"Yeah..." a shaky voice came from the walkie-talkie. "Nothing is broken I think."

"You two..." Jeremy was still laughing.

A few moments later Hammond was surrounded by paramedics but they stated, after a thorough examination, that he was in fact okay and let him go. James watched him from a distance with worried eyes, but made no attempt to go and speak to him. After half an hour, the managers told them they had got enough shots to cover up the episode, and they were all sent back to the hotel to pack their belongings and drive to the airport.

. . . . .

"This was a stupid idea" Richard shouted over the walkie-talkie. "I should never have let you talk me into leading the way to the airport."  
"Well, you agreed to it you arse" James muttered and Jeremy laughed loudly. He was already at the airport.  
"James, pull over and give me that damn map" Richard muttered and stopped right behind James' car. Well, James' car stopped Richard's when his front bumped into James' car's back.  
"HAMMOND" James shouted and Richard looked at him through the car window with his puppy eyes and mimed "I'm sorry." Richard proceeded out of the vehicle and knocked on James' car window to let him in. It was raining. It took James a few seconds longer than necessary to get the car door open and Richard shuddered as he sat down on the passenger seat, next to James.  
He got his phone up and texted Jeremy that they were probably going to miss the plane and catch the next one. He didn't genuinely feel like speaking to Clarkson right now.

"Are you very mad at me?" Richard attempted to sound guilty and watched James carefully. James smiled slightly and shrugged.  
"If anything is broken you're paying for it."

Richard elbowed him and took the map out of his hands.

"Now, let's see. Do you have any idea of where we are?" he asked James and James shook his head.  
"You bloody idiot" he muttered. It took him about half an hour to figure out where they were, and the route they'd have to take to reach the airport. He'd realised they'd definitely miss the plane so he rang the airport up and booked another flight. It was going to departure the next day.  
"So, what do we do now?" Richard was cold and wet.  
"Find a motel on the map?" James suggested and Richard had nothing against that idea.

They managed to find one only fifteen minutes away, and Richard took the lead this time. They managed to get there without getting lost and Richard hurried inside to get their rooms. He was still shaking from the cold. Richard gave the second key to James who looked slightly disappointed, before entering his room. He got out of his damp clothes and hurried into the shower, letting the warm water flood over him, slowly defrosting his cold body. Once he'd finished, he got out and inspected the room. It was rather small, but it had a double bed and a wardrobe, in which he hung his clothes to let them dry. He was still quit cold, so he laid down under his covers in the bed and got his phone out.

"Cold" he texted James, not sure what he wanted to accomplish by doing so.

"Want me to come in?" James replied moments later and Richard accepted the offer hastily. He unlocked the door and got back into bed. Short moments later, James emerged through the door and greeted Hammond with a nod. Hammond nodded back weakly, too busy shaking to be able to say anything.

"Poor thing" James said and sat down on the bed next to Hammond, who smiled warmly at him.

"Do you want me to..." James began but didn't finish the sentence.  
"What?" Richard asked, curiously.

"Do you want me to warm you up?" James looked Richard in the eyes, but looked down after a second or too, slightly embarrassed.  
"Yes..." Richard murmured. "I'd quite like that."  
James took his shoes off and got under the covers with Richard, pulling him close and putting his arm around him. Richard sighed happily and moved further into James' embrace.  
"Better?" James murmured into Richard's ear and Richard' nodded, barely noticeably.  
"Much better" he mumbled and grabbed James' hand with his own.

. . . . .

Richard was a little confused when he woke up the next day in the same bed as James, fully clothed.

"I must have fallen asleep" Richard yawned sleepily and stretched his tired body. He turned around and found his colleague was still asleep, so he got up as silently as he could to not wake him up. After brushing his teeth very carefully and adjusting his hair a million times in the mirror, he sneaked back into the bed. This time, he accidentally elbowed James who grunted quietly and mumbled something into his pillow. Richard leaned over and pressed a kiss against James' nape and James smiled slightly.

"Morning" Richard said and poked James. "We can't miss another flight because of Captain Slow."

James answered by simply throwing a pillow at his head. After fifteen minutes though, even Captain Slow had made it out of bed, and they were finally ready to go.

Without any unfortunate disasters, they managed to reach the airport and board their plane before it was going to departure. Hammond thought it was an astonishing accomplishment considering he had to cope with dragging a tired James around. However, James' tiredness immediately disappeared as he sat down in the air plane next to Richard. James looked at Richard helplessly and smiled weakly. Richard grabbed his hand and stoke his palm soothingly with his fingers. James relaxed slightly and closed his eyes, giving in to Richard's soft touch. It was all so bittersweet.

. . . . .

"This is it, I guess" Richard said awkwardly lit a cigarette with trembling hands; it was cold.

"Yeah..." James answered equally awkward.  
The flight had passed quickly and they were stood outside in the rain with their luggage.  
"James" Richard begun but stopped, seemingly thinking about what to say next.  
"I did mean what I said, you know" he smirked at James who seemed confused.  
"Meant what?"  
Richard tilted his head slightly and looked at James. He leaned over and kissed his cheek so quickly James doubted it had actually happened.

"I meant it when I told you I love you."


	10. Lion's teeth

**Chapter 10: Lion's teeth. **

"_I down-shifted as I pulled into the driveway.__  
__the motor screaming out stuck in second gear.__  
__the scene ends badly as you might imagine,__  
__in a cavalcade of anger and fear"_  
This Year by The Mountain Goats

_Richard got home approximately half an hour after he'd left the airport. He fingered his steering wheel nervously, trying to maintain some kind of order in his brain. Everything was messed up. He was in love with James, yes, he'd finally grasped that. He was also getting married; something he had not in fact grasped, and it terrified him more than it should have. A normal person, who wasn't in love with his best friend, would be elated about getting married to a beautiful woman. Richard wasn't. In fact, ever since he'd landed in New York, _

_he's had second thought; an inevitable discomfort growing in his stomach with each day. He was tired of himself losing control around James and he was tired of cheating on Stephie. All he wanted was a happy relationship without complications. Lately, he'd discovered that was but a vague dream with almost no chance of ever becoming reality. _

_"I'm home" he called out tiredly as he stepped indoors, hands trembling nervously. Stephie greeted him awkwardly and he kissed her cheek. Neither of them said anything and Richard swallowed loudly.  
"We have to talk" he finally said, just to break the silence.  
"Yeah..." she said and smiled weakly at him. "I know." _

. . . . .

James was cleaning his tools nervously and organising in his garage, listening to his turned down classical music. Whenever he felt anything other than safe, he tended to retire there to distract himself from his demons.  
_He won't show up _they told him. _He doesn't love you. Who does? You're a sad, lonely_, _crazy-ass, pedantic man. Nobody spends an entire weekend cleaning already too-clean screwdrivers. _James' hands were trembling slightly and he felt the panic build up in his chest

It was always the same. No matter how much he tried, he could never win over his demons.

A buzz from his phone pulled him down from his thundercloud.  
"_I'm on my way. Sorry for being late_" he read on the screen and he released a breath of relief he didn't even know he was holding. The demons quieted. _He's coming _he thought. _Richard's coming._

. . . . .

"_You know?" Richard ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing how or when to continue.  
"Yes" there was a tiny hint of bitterness in her voice. "Come on, let's sit somewhere."  
He followed her quietly into the living room and sat down on the couch opposite her, hiding his face behind his hands. Trying to relax, he shifted position and put his hands on his lap, fiddling anxiously with his cuticles. _

"_Look..." he began but managed no more._

"_It's about James... is it not?" she asked him gently and he just nodded weakly._

"_I know you like him, Rich" she closed her eyes and sighed.  
"For how long have you known?"_

. . . . .

James went through his check-list for the third time in fifteen minutes.

1. Clean tools. Check.

2. Clean tools used when cleaning the other tools. Check.

3. Put the tools above in their respective correct place. Check.

4. Repeat at least once. Check.

He could not seem to relax, knowing that Richard was on his way. They hadn't exactly planned for this to happen, this whole Richard-crashing-at-his-place thing. The day at the Top Gear hangar had passed very slowly. The vast majority of the film crew were in a bad mood, spreading their annoyance to Jeremy, who deliberately passed it on to Richard. Richard had already seemed pretty gloomy once he arrived in his Porsche that morning, but by the end of the day he was a ticking bomb waiting to go off.  
"You okay, Hammond? You've seemed a little off today." James asked him during their lunch break. They were both sitting outside, escaping the irritable people around them.

Richard lit a cigarette and sat quiet for a while.

"Not really" he confessed and licked his lips.

"Thought so" James replied awkwardly. He really wasn't good at these things.

"Erm, do you want to talk about it? Over a beer" he suggested.  
"Sure. Tonight?" Richard smiled and sucked some smoke in. "I'd enjoy that."

When the too-long, too-dreadful day was finally over, Richard leaned on James' Panda, waiting for him to emerge from the hangar.  
"Hey" Richard greeted James as he walked towards his car, slightly surprised to find Richard standing against it.  
"Hello, Hammond" he answered him politely. "Get off my car."  
Richard chuckled but obeyed him. He wasn't in the mood for another stupid argument.  
"So... I've been thinking" he begun and looked at James.  
"Go on. I haven't got all day Hammond" James muttered half-heartedly.

"I was wondering" he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "If I can stay the night?"

_"For how long? Since we went out to Jeremy's cottage" she studied his face patiently. There was a strange serenity about her eyes.  
"Oh" was all he could manage. Being away from each other had really torn on both of them. More on Stephie, he assumed and sighed again. This wasn't fair on her.  
"How did you realise?"  
"Richard..." she begun. "I saw you."  
Something twisted in Richard's guts and he felt a hint of nausea.  
"You saw us?" he asked, pretending not to understand.  
"Yes. I saw you kiss" she looked away. _

_There were no words that could make this situation right. Richard had realised that by now. When the time came and Stephie dumped him, he was prepared. When she kicked him out of the house, he was crying quietly and ducking away from objects that were flying in his direction. He was prepared for all her mean words as she let her broken feelings out all at once. He was prepared; yet he wasn't. The only thing he felt was broken. He knew he should have ended it with James a long while ago, but he also knew he couldn't. There was a part of him that longed for James' touch more than anything, and it frightened him. On the relatively short ride to James' house he let his feelings out and cried softly, breathing the sweet scent of his 911 Porsche in as he tried to calm himself down. He didn't want to seem weak in front of James.  
_

. . . . .

"Hammond, you infantile pillo-" he stopped himself when he turned around and looked at Richard's face. His eyes were red and he avoided too look at him.  
"Hey..." James walked over to him and took his face in his hands. "What's wrong?"  
James cursed himself for being so terrible with taking care of other people's feelings. Richard knew how hopeless James was, and made an effort to smile at his obvious attempt.  
"Stephie kicked me out" he answered as casually as he could possibly manage. It didn't work very well.  
"Oh" he searched the back of his mind for something better to say. "Erm, do you want to talk about it?" He felt utterly stupid.  
"Yes" Richard replied to James' surprise.  
"Yes... of course" he answered nervously. "Would you like to sit down somewhere?"

After a bottle of wine and some awkward attempts to natter Richard finally settled down properly in the couch and seemed to ready himself to reveal what had been bothering him. James shifted nervously, not really knowing where to put his hands, so he let them rest nervously in his lap. Neither of them were saying anything and James could feel the nervous tension building up between them. He had to break the silence.  
"So..." he swallowed loudly. "You wanted to talk about it."  
"Yes" Richard nodded slightly. "I did."  
"Well, get on with it then."  
"Okay" he looked ever so uncomfortable. "Stephie split up with me."  
Whatever James had expected Richard to say it surely wasn't that.  
"What?" he said with surprise. "Why?"  
Richard hesitated and frowned. He was having an internal battle; James could tell.  
"She saw us, James."  
"What do you mean?"  
"She saw us kiss."  
James swallowed nervously and shifted position.  
"Oh" He couldn't think of anything James-clever to say.  
Suddenly a spark of annoyance reached Richard's eyes.  
"Is that all you have to say?" he muttered.  
"Mate, I'm sorry. I'm no good with this" James defended himself quietly.  
"That's right, James" Richard bit his bottom lip and clenched his fists that were placed in his lap. "You're no good with anything."

James looked away.  
"Fucking look at me when I speak to you" Richard was almost shouting.  
James met Richard's eyes.  
"I-I'm sorry, Hammond" he stuttered quietly.  
"This is all your fault" Richard spat between gritted teeth.  
"If you hadn't fucking kissed me in the first place, none of this would have happened."  
"I'm sorry..." James tried to hide the panic in his voice and moved away from Richard.  
"I'm going to... There's something I need to do" James arose quickly and stumbled out of the room with tears in his eyes. He didn't give his house a second look when he exited.


	11. I miss you

**Chapter 11: I miss you.**

"_Think of me  
Think of me waking  
Silent and resigned  
Imagine me trying too hard  
To put you from my mind_

Recall those days  
Look back on all those times  
Think of those things we'll never do  
There will never be a day  
When I won't think of you"

Think Of Me by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Time stood still; everybody else just hadn't seemed to grasp that. The world was moving. Too quickly. Too many. Too closely. James needed his space. He needed to be alone. If he'd ever needed it before, it was nothing compared to the way he needed it now. He also needed distraction. Bearing with the pain from a broken heart was too much for him to handle. He couldn't afford thinking about Hammond; he couldn't afford falling back into the void.

He organized things. DVDs, CDs, tools, books; everything had its place in the carefully arranged alphabetic system he'd recently invented. If he thought about Hammond, he arranged his things in an order of magnitude. Largest to littlest. Widest to narrowest. In the back of his mind he already knew he'd have to change it back to alphabetical; he knew it'd keep him occupied.

Some nights he didn't sleep. Other nights he'd sleep for two consecutive days. Jeremy was worried, Richard didn't even look his way. "Are you there, May?" Jeremy had asked him when he found May staring out into empty space. No answer. Not even an attempt. Jeremy understood, in a strange way. He'd never really been a caring person, but something pushed him into patting James' back. "You know where I am, if you need to talk" he'd said, and even James was ever so slightly shocked by his humanity, from his own motionless shell.

Seconds became minutes. Minutes became hours. Hours became days. James lost track of time. All he knew was that Richard didn't want anything to do with him. He'd play his charade in front of the camera; even throw a few comments in his direction. When the camera shut down, however, he continued ignoring James and James went back into his safe shell. He shut down. Didn't let himself feel. He didn't dare to feel. He knew it would hurt too much to open himself up. Only looking at Hammond made his heart sting. The first time it was hard enough. The second time it was impossible. He was balancing on the cutting edge of a knife, and he didn't know for how long he'd be able to do so.

. . . . .

On the twelfth day James showed up at the Top Gear hangar drunk. Andy, the manager, was furious out his mind, of course. Richard studied the events from a distance, writing a column for the Top Gear page. Jeremy attempted to calm Andy down, but it didn't work in the slightest. It all ended up with Andy nearly punching both James and Jeremy, and the rest of the crew decided to call it a day. Once Andy had left, James sunk down into the office couch and closed his eyes. Jeremy followed his example shortly after him, and sat down beside him.

"May?" he asked surprisingly gently.  
"Mm?" it wasn't more than a mutter.  
"Are you alright?" James opened his eyes.  
"No" he closed them again. He'd let his guard down and he knew he was going to regret it.  
"Talk to me, mate" Jeremy seemed to make an honest attempt.  
"Stephie split up with Hammond" he said shortly.  
"I know that. I thought if anybody liked it it'd be you."  
"He blames me for it."  
"Oh."  
James knew that Jeremy understood, even thought he couldn't think of anything to say.

Somehow Jeremy managed to find a couple of beers for himself and James, and they ended up watching the crappy miniaturized office TV. James was at this point beyond drunk and the fuzzy safe feeling of too much alcohol started kicking in. He relaxed and Jeremy did his best to keep him relaxed. Well, to keep him cheered up anyway. They ended up in front of Jeremy's laptop looking at gorgeous cars. Shortly after that, they ended up on eBay contemplating whether to or not buy a pink, fluffy steering wheel protection and put it in Andy's car. They ended up buying it, billing it to Jeremy and that was the end of that.

It was strange, his love-hate relationship with Jeremy. Jeremy tended to be hideous at worst and arrogant at best, and it was hard not to get annoyed at him. During the years he'd known each other he'd seen many sides of the man. Right now; human. It was rare and he only tended to use that side when he really had to. Especially when he had to cheer up his mates. He hated the man for the stupid and ridiculous things he said and done, but at the same time he was thankful for all the times he'd actually stood up for him. Well, ish. It came at a cost that usually involved mocking him later, but he was quite alright with that. He liked the humane side the most; it was like there was actually a reasonable person under that winkled face and ugly haircut from the thirties. He actually doubted it was more to it than that though; there couldn't be a reasonable person beneath all the Jezza-ness after all.

In his overly drunken haze, he wrote three words on a paper before he left with Jeremy, both taking a taxi each home. He hid it in between the monitor and the keyboard of Richard's laptop, that he had carelessly forgot on his desk, knowing Richard would find it eventually.

He knew he'd definitely regret it, but he was too drunk to care.

. . . . .

Twelve more days passed. The Top Gear team were making progress. They were driving the Pagani Zonda, and everybody were elated to try it. Even James was cheered up from listening to the engine roar and the tires squeal. It was a magnificent creation, the Zonda. The entire crew all agreed on that bit. It wasn't just a car; it was something magical. It was like riding a unicorn through a rainbow or mounting a dragon and head out on epic adventures. The only difference was that the unicorn happened to have a steering wheel and the dragon happened to have four wheels. It couldn't fly either, but that was only minor details. The crew fell so in love with the creature so much that they barely noticed when Jeremy almost crashed into three cameramen that stood on the edge of the track, trying to get some quality footage. The camera men noticed, luckily, and ran for their lives. It only cost them a camera and a bump on the front of the car. Expensive, in other words, and everybody knew Andy'd be furious. Jeremy got out of the car and escaped the crime scene as quickly as he could, headed directly in James' direction.

"Want to go for a smoke?" Jeremy asked James after he also had a go in the car (without breaking it or killing anybody). James nodded quietly and they wandered off from the crew and sat on the porch outside the hangar. He lit his cigarette and absently lent Jeremy his lighter. He suspected the reason he'd asked in the first place was to borrow his lighter; nothing else. It was typical Jezza-ness. He didn't bother to care, however. His mind was elsewhere. From a distance, he was watching Richard have a lively discussion with Andy. James noticed the annoyed frown on Richard's forehead (the sign of him losing a debate) and couldn't help but stare. He looked amazingly good when he was annoyed. James sighed; he'd forgotten Jeremy was there.

"What?" Jeremy asked.

"Nothing" James replied quickly (to which Jeremy rolled his eyes) and went back to staring at Richard. He liked staring at him from a distance. It felt safe, in a way. It didn't hurt as much either when he couldn't see all the details, like how his eyes seemed to glow when he spoke to somebody about the cars he loved. He stared at Richard's hair and wished things hadn't turned out this way. He couldn't help but blame himself for it; Richard's words had really sunk in. He believed him, of course. It didn't take much for him to believe something Richard said, especially not negative things about him. He knew he had many faults and flaws and he had always known he was terribly bad at hiding them. In fact, he had stopped trying.

Suddenly, Richard's attention was focused elsewhere, on something other than Andy. James realized Richard was looking intensely at him. Their eyes only met during a hundredth of a second, but it was enough to make James look away.

He dared not looking again during the rest of the day.

. . . . .

Jeremy was, quite frankly, being a pain in the bottom during the afternoon. Despite James shooting dark looks at him, he stubbornly kept James and Richard in the same room. James wasn't sure whether he was doing it on purpose or not, but he knew for a fact; he really didn't enjoy it. He was nervous, didn't quite know where to look, so he grabbed a newspaper and started solving the crossword. He couldn't manage to find anything to say when Jeremy dragged him into the loud conversation he was having with Richard about animal-right activists and why they should be shot. He just smiled vaguely and agreed with whatever Jeremy wanted him to agree with.

"...all they do is complain and clog up the roads during every single bloody season. How's that being useful? They're a bunch of twenty-years old virgins who knows they will never get a wife and kids, so they keep on living their pathetic lives..."  
James wasn't really paying attention. He knew for a fact that Jeremy would never give up a debate about either activists or politicians who happened to have different views than he had.  
"You're bloody hopeless" Richard sighed after another fifteen minutes of rants and complaints.  
"False" Jeremy said. "It's the world who's hopeless. If everybody thought like me..."  
"We'd all be dead" James said from the couch. "And have rabies."

"You're both cocks" Jeremy stated and neither could argue with that.

After another hour of dreadful attempts to avoid to look at Richard and kill time, Andy finally called for a meeting. Apparently there was something he wasn't happy about and it happened to involve Jeremy, which of course led to it involving the bunch of them. "Jeremy is a cock and almost killed three camera men by being a careless cunt on the track" or something along those lines. Jeremy, who didn't seem to mind being the centre of attention, was enjoying himself despite Andy's shouting.

"It's a car – not a space rocket. You need to learn how to drive carefully, damn it. And I don't mean James-carefully. I mean driving _reasonably. _One day you're going to kill somebody" Andy ranted in front of Jeremy who rolled his eyes, Richard who pretended to be listening and a bunch of camera men who looked away; they were new, and they weren't used to Andy's inability to control his anger.

"What if I told you I've already killed?" Jeremy asked and looked smug.

Andy rolled his eyes and muttered something along the lines of "it wouldn't surprise me if you killed the entire nation" and decided to proceed with the meeting, ignoring Jeremy's victory dance. James was probably the only one paying attention. Well, half-heartedly. The back of his mind was occupied by the presence of Hammond.  
"So, I've decided everybody who haven't been completely hideous today are allowed to leave early" Andy said (which probably wasn't the full truth; they all knew he wanted to get rid of them to calm down).  
"Me?" Jeremy asked loudly and attempted his hideous puppy eyes which made him look like a cat on LSD. Andy didn't even bother answering; he just glared at him.  
"May, you're free to go. So are you, Hammond." James and Richard looked at each other for a short moment and then got up to gather their things and go home.

It took James thirty minutes to gather all of his things. It was stupid, he knew that. He was forty-plus, god damn it. He should be able to handle his emotions; he was being deliberately slow to spend as little time with Hammond as he possibly could. It proved being quite efficient, because Hammond had gathered his things and left in less than ten minutes. Once he heard the engine of Richard's 911Turbo he dared walking outside and to his own Panda. From a distance he saw a note on the windscreen, stuck between the screen and the windscreen-wiper. His parking looked alright, so he couldn't possibly understand why he'd gotten a parking fine. Slightly confused, he reached the car; only to find it wasn't a fine at all. It was a carefully folded note. Suddenly, he remembered the note he'd left on Richard's desk. It was the same note, he realised. Stupid, stupid, stupid. With a pounding heart, he slowly opened the note, read his own _"I miss you_" and expected the worst.

"_I miss you, too" _he read on the note and suddenly it was all so clear. It was Richard who had written it, of course. It couldn't have been anybody else. He even recognised the untidy handwriting. In a daze, he opened his car and got in. For the first time this week he felt warm. He could even recognise a tiny spark of happiness lurking somewhere deep inside his chest.

By the time he got home, the happiness had been replaced with the same strenuous loneliness he hadn't felt for over a year. Quietly he exits his car and walks up to the porch of his house. He notices the kitchen light is on. _Did I leave it on? _He asks himself anxiously; something doesn't feel quite right.He unlocks the door and enters the kitchen to find that everything is in order, except for the light being turned on. He walks over to it and turns it off, but the feeling that something isn't right persists. It isn't until he almost walks into somebody standing in the hallway, that he realises he isn't alone. He's just about to attack the intruder with a fist when he realises who it is. Hammond is standing in the hallway looking at him with red eyes; it was clear he wasn't happy nor has he had much sleep the past week.

"Hammond, what are you doin-"  
Before he can finish his sentence Richard presses his lips against James' and kisses him with such confidence James stumbles backwards and almost falls over.  
"Hammond" James tries to break free but Richard won't let him. He kisses him (James kisses back, of course. What else can he do?) until his lips are red and he can taste blood from his bottom lip. Richard lets go of him when he hears James' suffocated moan of pain.  
"I'm sorry" it was nothing but a whisper but James managed to understand.  
"I'm so very sorry. I was upset and I was drunk and I didn't know what I was talking about. And, and, and I was angry and I was hurt and I was desperate and I didn't know what-" James hushed him by stroking his bottom lip with his thumb.

"It's okay." They both knew it wasn't.  
"I didn't mean what I said" he looked James in the eyes and James looked down.

"You broke my heart" James confessed silently. "There hasn't been a single day I haven't been thinking about you." Richard looked pained and rightfully so; he knew it was true.  
"I wish I could undo what's already done but I can't."  
"I know" James sighed and remained silent for a while. A long while. When he finally spoke his voice was shaky. "I love you too much; I can't hate you for what you did. I can't even be angry at you."  
Richard tucked him in his arms. "I love you too" he whispered gently, and during regular circumstances it would have made everything better. In this case, it didn't. It made him want to cry into his lovers' arms. He wanted to tell him what he was feeling; how this was eating him from inside out. He couldn't manage a word. He had never let anybody in this far before and he'd passed his limits miles ago. It was too late to turn back, he knew that. It had also come very clear to him that he loved Richard endlessly; he'd never stop, he was sure. He just hoped Richard felt the same about him. Or at least something along those lines. He buried his face into Richard's neck and took the smell of him in.

He felt hopeless. Hopeless and lost. The overwhelming sadness didn't even leave him when Richard held him through the night. He felt something had changed between them and it was scaring him. It was cliché, he knew, but he really didn't like change. Especially not change that risked to break his heart a final time. He'd been through it twice now; the heartache involving Richard. He knew he couldn't handle the second time . In fact, he's not sure how he coped. Amy had helped, of course, but he's still not sure. Even now, his heart was aching. He needed something, but he didn't know what it was. All he could hope for was that he'd find it before it was too late.


	12. I wish you knew, I really do

**Chapter 12: I wish you knew; I really do.**

"_I am a tree reaching for the sun_

_Please, don't hold me down_

_I am a rolling wave without emotion_

_A glass of water longing for the ocean_

_I am an asphalt flower, breaking free_

_But you keep stopping me_

_Release me"_

Release Me by Oh Laura

Uneventful. No other word was appropriate for the week that had passed. In fact, so little was happening everybody were wandering around on the edge of insanity. Most of them were desperately trying to find something to do, even if it just was going to the pub. Luckily, with Jeremy around, going to the pub was the first thing suggested and everybody cheerfully accepted the invitation. Well, everybody except for James who was the only Top Gear presenter who still hadn't filmed his part of an episode in Italy, and had to be away for a couple of days. He had promised he'd stay focused and be quick, but knowing James; it would never happen. Ever. Because of James being James, Richard had accepted the fact he'd be away and started planning the few days without him. Keeping himself distracted seemed like a good idea. He did miss James; he was only human, for Christ's sake. So the fact that he participated in the Top Gear evening out with inevitable.

Location was decided. Jeremy's local (the only pub within a mile he hadn't been banned from), mainly because it was closer to Dunsfold than the rest. Tables were booked and people were informed, and that was that. It was all settled.

To say the condition of the pub was good was probably the biggest lie of the week. Then again, it was one of the only pubs in the country which still served Clarkson, so what would you expect? The chairs were worn; as were the regulars, and it seemed the owner was stuck in the 60's, hence the old and completely out of style furniture. It was a rather gloomy place, but as place none the less.

Gathered around a large table for eight sat Richard, Jeremy, Andy, Francie (Jeremy's wife) together with four of Andy's friends. (Richard had met them before but couldn't recall any names.) The atmosphere was cheerful but Richard had a hard time keeping up emotionally.

"Hammond, you short arse. Have a drink" Jeremy slurred and Richard rolled his eyes but accepted his offer and grabbed the glass bottle. Their fingers touched during less than a second but something awoke to life in Jeremy's eyes. Richard put the bottle to his lips. Jeremy winked at him.

"What?" Richard demanded to know but Jeremy didn't care to answer. He got up, threw his car keys towards Richard who caught them skilfully. Richard got the hint.

"Oh god, what are you up to you sly cock?"

"You'll see" Jeremy said and gestured for Richard to follow him.

After hastily telling Francie Jeremy was up to something and "he had to be there to restrain the beast" Richard followed him out and got into the passenger seat next to Jeremy and looked at him demandingly.  
"Well, what's your plan? Are you sure you should be driving?"  
"Do you have keys to May's house?" Jeremy said, completely ignoring Richard's questions.

"...Yes. Why?"  
"Good" Jeremy said and smiled mischievously. "We've got some snooping to do."

"Snooping" as Jeremy refereed it as, was easier said than done. Firstly, James' house was so organized it was ridiculously hard to find anything which seemed out of place. A bunch of old CD's and magazines and of course a model rail-road, but other than that; nothing unusual. No hidden books or anything that might possibly reveal an ounce of the mysterious man May actually was.

Richard took a look around him. There was various boxes spread out across the living room, with the former content spread out across James' very expensive (and dirty) living room rug. Old Chopin CD's, strange articles about all kinds of things that usually fascinated May (most would call them boring) and a couple of old and expensive-looking glasses. Other than that, there was nothing but rubbish. Literally nothing. Jeremy frowned.  
"I thought May would be exotic. In fact, I thought he was a vampire; or possibly a werewolf."  
"Shut up Clarkson, you old git. We both know there is nothing interesting about May."

"I guess so. Well, I better get back to Francie and the lot. Take care of this mess, will you?"

"Sod off Clarkson."  
He took care of it anyway.

Half an hour later he decided to walk back to Jeremy and the others. Being in James' house seemed to awaken memories of his, and he didn't like him. It scared him that James was out there on his own, driving fast cars that may or may not be the end of him. It was always the same. His job was dangerous, he knew. Any day either of them could be killed; they were all aware of it. He could only hope Captain Slow lived up to his name (he usually did anyway, so Richard tried not to worry).

He inhaled the cool evening air and looked up towards the sky. The clouds stood tall and grey and only moments later a drip of water hit his forehead and he hurried his pace to get indoors, into the warmth of the pub.

"Richard" Francie greeted him as he sat back down (quite soaked by now) around the now less crowded table. Only Jeremy, Andy, Francie and a cameraman named Jake were left; the rest had called it a night. Richard immediately grabbed a beer (James would have refereed it as water) and took large gulps.

"Francie" he replied politely and gave her a smile. "I have returned" he announced to the rest, as if they hadn't yet noticed. It was probably a good thing he did though; they were busy talking about cars and Francie looked utterly disdained with boredom  
"I'm glade you came back" she said and rolled her eyes at the boys.

"So am I" he smiled and Jeremy nodded at him (his idea of a greeting).

. . . . .

Francie left first (Jeremy was being dragged with her, almost literally) shortly followed by Andy who had promised to take Jake home. (He was very young and Richard hadn't really understood what he was doing there in the first place until he had opened his heart and spoken about his love for the Porsche 911 turbo. From then on, Richard couldn't do anything but love him. Now, on the other hand, he was alone. He was sitting at the bar, finishing his tenth beer when his deceiving mind led him away from his safe zone and into the arms of James. He sighed and opened his phone for the hundredth time this day. Unlock, compose new message, to James.

"_I hope you're alright. Miss you." _Right click, then send. All he could do now was wait.

He was not quite sure about how he ended up back at James' again, or how he had ended up going through every single box, and then finally moving up to the loft. He wasn't sure it was a good idea, either. It was dark and it was far down if he'd fall from the narrow ladder. In fact, he wasn't really sure how James ever managed to use it himself. But he was there, at James' loft looking through his stuff. It had taken him an hour to finish the second floor (since he'd already been through the first one) and there was nothing interesting to be found there either. He had already given up half an hour ago when he almost missed something. In the very far corner of the dark loft stood a box he had forgotten. Without getting any hopes of finding out the mystery behind May, he moved over and grabbed the box. It was unusually light, he noticed, as he felt the worn carton against his skin. He removed the cover and found seven carefully wrapped books inside.

"Interesting" he mumbled to himself and grabbed the entire box and climbed down the ladder, headed for the living room. He put the box on the TV-table and sat down in the couch.

He picked a book up and looked at the cover for a title. There was none. In fact, all it said was 1976.

He opened it and started to read.

_January 16__th__, 1976_

_Dear diary. Today, my father forgot about my birthday. I know, I know. He's terribly busy, but I can't help but notice; nobody else's parents forget their own child's birthday. It hurts but I will keep quiet. Father does not wish to be disturbed._

It was James' diary, from when he was thirteen. Richard gasped quietly and threw the book away. It was forbidden land. He could not read it and feel good about it. Oh, but how his mind itched to find out about James. He wanted to know everything; every single thing. He knew he would regret it, but he picked the book up again and reopened it. He was finally going to figure out the background of James' character. Later, he found out, it was one of his worst mistakes.

_January 17__th__, 1976_

_Dear diary. Father is very unhappy with me. I'm scared; scared of what might happen. I told him yesterday. That he forgot my birthday, that is. He threw a bottle at me and it hit my eyebrow. All I can remember is blood and pain. I'm scared. _

_January 22__nd__, 1976_

_Dear diary. Today, Father apologised to me. I am not sure whether he meant it or not, but he seemed honest. Maybe things will be better now. I wonder where Mother is. She said she'd be gone for a week, but it's been two now and I'm worried she might not come back. _

The next few pages seemed to have been ripped out according to Richard, but he didn't take further notice to it. He was too focused on what he was reading.

_January 16__th__, 1977_

_Dear diary. It's been a month now since Mother was found dead. I'm wondering if I'm ever going to be able to cope with the loss of her. Father is angry all the time. If I only look at him he threatens to kick me out. I don't think anybody will ever love me. My class hates me, as does my Father. He forgot about my birthday again. I miss Mother so much. _

The first book continued with the same style. Forgotten birthdays, a violent father and an endless hopelessness. Richard found it hard reading, but he continued. It was the closest he'd ever been to James and he was afraid that he wouldn't feel that close ever again. He had to finish the books.

_March 14__th__, 1980_

_Dear diary. For once, I feel as if something good is happening in my life. Ever since my Father was moved to his "institution" as they beautifully call it, I've been so free. No more shouting at me, no more bruises I have to explain. (No, wait. I have nobody to explain it to). But today, I met a woman. She's beautiful and smart and… she talks to me. I have found hope. _

Richard's heart was aching ever so slightly, at the thought of James appreciating someone else.

_April 18__th__, 1980_

_Dear diary. I thought she liked me. I really did. I guess women can't be trusted. Nobody can be trusted. She told me it was a date, but she used me. Used me to let __**him**__ laugh at me. He took my money and beat me up. Told me never to call her again. I can't believe I let myself be fooled like that. I will never trust anybody again, ever. I promise myself that. _

He had read up to the 6th book now. They were all the same; filled with misery and despair, and people treating James badly. He felt for the man more than he ever had felt for anybody before. It all seemed to make sense. He didn't trust because of that woman, he didn't like touch because of what his father had done to him. It all seemed to make sense. He opened the seventh and final book.

_April 13__th__, 2003_

_Dear diary. My life is finally moving forward. I have got the job of my dreams; working at Top Gear. It's the best thing I could possibly imagine. Working with a fellow named Jeremy Clarkson. I do agree he is a bit too much at times. Well, mostly. But he is a nice guy. Today, he introduced me to an angel (with whom I'm apparently going to work). His name is Richard Hammond, he told me. When I saw him, I thought I was dreaming. I've never seen such a beauty. And when he spoke, I felt unworthy. I think… I think I might be in love. For the first time in my life, I am. To a man, I know, but what can you do? _

_June 18__th__, 2007_

_Dear diary. Today, I got the first kiss of my life. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sadly, I think I might have ruined things with Hammond. He left me there… I didn't know what to do. I am hoping for dear life he will forgive me. _

"Silly James, I wanted it" Richard spoke but realised his mistake; he was alone.

After finishing the seventh book Richard laid down on the couch. His thoughts were spinning and he missed James. He sat up slowly, and carefully put the books back in the box (in the right order) and sealed the box and put it back up in it's rightful place; the corner of the loft.


	13. Love is stronger

**Chapter 13: Love is stronger.**

_"I'm in our secret place  
Alone in your embrace  
Where all my wrongs have been erased  
You have forgiven_

All the promises and lies  
All the times I compromise  
All the times you were denied  
You have forgiven"

Forgiven by Skillet

"I am home" James announced to no one in particular as he walked indoors, just in case somebody would be there.

"James" Richard gasped quietly and ran to meet him. He ran so quickly he almost tackled James and they were both very close to falling.

"Easy there, Hammond" James said whilst Richard was kissing him passionately.  
"Hell, I've missed you" Richard confessed and James smiled widely.

"I've missed you too, Hammond" he said and moved away from Richard ever so slightly. He took his too-big coat off and hung it up on the coat hanger, but decided to leave his luggage in the hallway. Richard slowly walked from the hallway to James' small living room and made himself comfortable on the couch. Only moments later he was joined by James who sat down next to him. Richard was lost in an internal debate on whether to tell him or not. If he revealed he'd been looking through James' belongings and also confessed he'd read his diary, he was pretty sure James would be beyond angry, but if he didn't, it would eat him alive. It was a two-options fight, really. He was determined James would find out sooner or later, and he didn't want to be the one hiding things from his lover.

"James, we need to talk" He felt James freeze in his position next to him, and heard him swallow loudly. He grabbed his hand.

"James, relax" he spoke gently and brushed James' palm with his thumb.  
"Alright…" he swallowed again.

"There is something I have to tell you, and if I don't it's going to kill me."

James wasn't saying anything so he assumed he could continue.  
"Well, three nights ago me and Jeremy got drunk" he saw James roll his eyes. "and we kind of looked through your stuff." Finally, he caught James' attention.

"You did _what?_" He raised an eyebrow.

"We looked through your stuff. It was Jeremy's stupid idea to "get to know the mysterious person behind May… The thing is; we found nothing; nothing at all. But then Jeremy left and I went up to the loft and I found this box and…"  
He quietened. James was looking stressed and he refused to look Richard in the eyes.  
"Yes, and?" James said with a shaky voice.

"Well, I found your diaries. And I… sort of… read them. I am really, really sorry. I didn't want to do anything to hurt you… and I understand if you're angry at me… All I can say is that I am terribly, terribly sorry…" he was silenced by a pair of lips against his.  
"Hammond" James interrupted the kiss. "Calm down. It's okay."  
Richard was ever so slightly confused. "Wait… You're not angry?"

"No, I'm not. What did you read?"  
Richard blushed. "Everything… I just wanted to know you."  
"I said it's okay, Hammond. Don't worry. I was going to tell you about me anyway."  
"Were you? Really?" This wasn't at all how Hammond had played out the scene in his head.

"Yes…" James quietened for a moment. "I love you, Richard. I wanted you to know me as much as you do."

Richard was confused. He had really expected James to be angry with him. He was so baffled by the fact he wasn't that he didn't know what to do except close the gap between them and kiss his lips. James answered the kiss by putting his hands around Richard's neck and pulled him close, putting Richard's legs over his, so that he was sitting on his lap. Richard deepened the kiss, breathing starting to get heavy and pulled his fingers through James' hair.

"Hammond" James mumbled somewhat politely as his lips moved from Richard's and moved to the warm curve of his nape, kissing it softly; causing shivers to be sent down Richard's spine.

"May" Richard replied equally politely and dug his fingers into James' hair even further. James let out a silent little moan; one that Richard held so dear.

After breaking their kiss, James let out a (obviously faked) yawn and told Richard he was tired. Richard got the hint and smiled against James' nape.  
"Are you suggesting we move this upstairs?" Richard's voice was hoarse and he had to clear his throat.

"Yes, that is my suggestion."

Richard grabbed James by the hand and clumsily dragged him up from the couch, motioning for him to follow. Hand in hand, Richard took the lead up the stairs and into the bedroom. He closed the door behind him and smiled mischievously at James who started to look a little uncomfortable. Richard's expression softened.

"What's wrong, James?" he asked softly and pulled him in for a gentle hug.

"Nothing… I… I've just never done any of this before" he admitted, voice low.

"What do you mean?" James met his gaze and swallowed.

"You do know you're the first person I've ever kissed, right? That explains a lot."  
"Oh" Richard smiled to himself. "Don't worry. If you want me to stop, just say so."

Richard turned them both around with James' back facing the bed and pulled him in for a kiss again. Their lips met more greedily this time, and James moaned appreciatively. Richard gently pushed him backwards onto the bed and climbed on top of him the moment James was lying comfortably. Richard pulled himself close again, kissing his neck and biting it gently. James' hands were shifting between running up and down Richard's back and resting on his behind. It felt awfully right.

Richard broke their kiss to slowly pull James' jumper up over his head, following by clumsily and eagerly removing his own. He was placing kisses along James' collarbone, moving up again to lick his earlobe and kiss his neck. If this were with any other person, he would have felt the panic arising. People shouldn't get close. This, however, was different. James was filled with lust. He wanted to touch Richard, he wanted to kiss him; he wanted to let him _feel _how much he wanted this. Just the thought of being here, right now, in a bed with Richard fucking Hammond made him moan against Richard's mouth.

It wasn't like James was the only one wanting this, either. Richard was beyond turned on and his hands were running up and down James' body together with his lips. He kissed every visible part of skin; and took his time doing so. James was getting more and more frustrated; he could tell. He didn't stop though. He kept kissing and touching slow placidly, exploring every single part of James' upper body.

James was beautiful when he lost control, Richard could admit that. The people who didn't know him would probably not give him a second look, but Richard was lost. He was lost in the little sounds James made when he kissed him in just the right place. He was lost in the way James smiled against their kiss. He was lost in James, simply.

James didn't regain his control enough to protest when Richard tugged at his fly. He didn't protest when Richard had undone his fly completely and pulled his trousers down, and off his ankles, either. Not even when Richard kissed his way across James' thighs did he protest. No, he wanted this.

James let out suffocated moans as Richard gently and carefully bit his inner thigh, his nose just barely touching his scrotum. James dug his fingers into Richard's hair and tried to relax.

"Close your eyes, James" Richard mumbled against his stomach and James obeyed him immediately. All he could see was darkness; the only thing he could do was to feel.

Richard kissed his way across James' stomach; inch by inch, leaving James' skin on fire. He continued south and placed wet kisses on James' hipbone. James didn't realize he was holding his breath until Richard took him in his mouth. James moaned loudly as Richard's tongue skilfully did its job. James was lost in a world of his own.  
It wasn't until he was covered in sticky white that he came back to reality, gasping for air and looking down at Richard, who was smiling widely at him. His hair was messy and James thought he looked bewildered in a way. He completely adored it.

It took him a few moments to catch his breath as he was lying on his back in the bed. Richard took advantage of the situation and curled up against James' side, resting his face against the damp curve of James' neck. James felt he had to say something to break the silence.

"Hammond?" he mumbled. Richard mumbled something against his neck.

"I just wanted to… I- Thank you" he managed to say. Richard laughed softly and shook against James.

"What for?" he asked.

"For all of this."

"James you, daft cock" he laughed. "I wouldn't want it with anybody else."

"Really?"  
"Yes."

James was soon lulled to sleep by Richard's steady breathing.

. . . . .

James opened his eyes slowly. The first thing he was met by was the lovely smell of breakfast. Bacon and scrambled eggs, if his nose wasn't betraying him. The second thing was the memories of last night and he could feel himself blush ever so slightly. Slowly, he got up and got dressed in his usual style (the closest thing he could find, and no, it didn't have to match) and walked downstairs, only to be met by a smiling Richard who kissed him softly on the cheek.

"Hammond. You're here" he breathed and Richard gave him a confused look.

"Yes… I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, with last night and what not. I had to make sure I hadn't been dreaming, you know."

Richard gave him an amused look and winked at him.

"Eat" he said and passed him a plate full.

After they finished eating (Hammond could actually cook, believe it or not) Richard dragged him back upstairs and told him to clean up.

"You bossy, old, daft cock" James muttered to him, but did as told to. Richard, in the meantime, got straight into the shower. It wasn't until the water was running on full blast as James got the brilliant idea of peaking into the bathroom to get a glance of Richard. He had never seen the man fully naked, and he was quite curious as to what he looked like. Without any hesitation he quietly entered the bathroom. He was, for once, thankful of that his shower curtains were somewhat see-through. Through the plastic fabric he could see the silhouette of Richard, and it was enough to turn him on. (He hadn't really left his teenage period, after all).  
"James" he suddenly heard Richard say. "I know you're watching me."  
"I…I'm sorry." James stuttered, slightly embarrassed.

"No, no. Don't be. It's okay. In fact, would you like to join me?"

And boy, did he want to.

. . . . .

"You smell like me" Richard complained as they exited the shower.  
"And who's fault might that be?" James teased.

"Well, I'm not the one who told you to blow me, am I?" Richard knew this game.

"Fair enough" James was still slightly embarrassed, but he was also endlessly happy.

James knew now, what it was that he had been looking for. It was passion and it was love. The time he had spent away from Richard had made him realise that he had all that; he just had to reach for it.

"I guess love is stronger than anything, after all" James mumbled thoughtfully and Richard just smiled at him and kissed the corner of his mouth.

"You look tired" Richard told James.

"But I'm not tir-"

"You look awfully tired. Let's get you into bed."

James laughed. "You cock" He let Hammond drag him into bed, though.

"In fact" Richard mumbled as he laid down with is head on top of James' chest. "I could do with some sleep myself."  
"I'm sure you do" James smiled and put his arms around Richard.

He had finally found happiness.


	14. Epilogue

**Epilogue. Five months later.**

"_Past the point of no return_

_No going back now_

_Our passion play has now at last begun_

_Past all thought of right or wrong_

_One final question_

_How long should we two wait before we're one?_

_When will the blood begin to race?  
The sleeping bud burst into the bloom?  
When will the flames at last consume us?_

_Past the point of no return_

_The final threshold_

_The bridge is crossed  
So stand and watch it burn_

_We've passed the point of no return_

_Say you'll share with me_

_One love, one lifetime_

_Lead me, save me from my solitude  
Say you want me with you_

_Here beside you_

_Anywhere you go_

_Let me go too"_

The Point of No Return by Andrew Lloyd Webber

"How many people did you say were coming, James?" Richard asked him and passed him the pale white invitation list.  
"About a hundred" James gave the very well organised list a short glance before handing it back to Richard. Series fourteen had finally come to an end, and Andy had made sure it wouldn't pass them by uncelebrated. In fact, he had (together with James' pedantic ways) organised the party that was taking place later that night. Knowing Andy, it wasn't going to be anything less than luxury, either. Food had been ordered from the best restaurant within range, comfortable chairs had been bought. Several (unnecessary, according to James) Rolls Royce Phantoms, with drivers, had been hired to escort the various guests to the castle they'd rented for the evening. Butlers had been employed for the night, together with a few thinly dressed bar maids. (It was Jeremy's idea entirely).

The castle itself was absolutely beautiful. It was almost a shame to have the Top Gear people to wreck it for the evening. The ceiling stood tall with beautifully arched valves to part the different rooms in the very open construction plan. It was very clear it was an old castle; even the furniture spoke of old times. The previous owner had lived in the 17th century, which naturally explained a lot of things. It particularly explained why there wasn't any internet connection or super hyped Wi-Fi. In fact, it barely even had a phone. The only thing there actually was, was an ancient and severely dusty gramophone. Luckily Jeremy had brought a massive stereo with eight speakers, so the night was saved.

James spent at least two hours wandering around in the massive castle when he really should have been helping the rest organizing, cooking and such, but he was too fascinated by the old architecture to care for Andy's annoyed voice calling for him. Well, shouting from the top of his lungs would probably be a more appropriate term, but James still didn't bother.

The place had two bathrooms that had clearly been restored by the current owner, but it still held its former style with beautifully carved ceiling decorations. The motives were mostly flowers and abstract shapes, but James thought even Jeremy's grotesque taste would approve of it.

After strolling around the castle for an hour or two (he had lost track of time) he finally returned to Andy. Luckily for James, Andy was too busy telling people what to do to bother being angry at him for not appearing when expected. Then again, when did James do what was expected?

The place was pretty crowded by now. Bartenders, butlers and catering employees were running like crazed hamsters all over the place trying to somewhat follow Andy's instructions of where to put that. No, not over there. A bit further away. No, scratch that. Put it over here instead.  
James quickly scanned through the crowd for Richard, but he could not find him. Jeremy though, he did find, and he slowly walked over to him.  
"Jeremy!" he shouted when he was a yard away from him.  
"One second, May" Jeremy shouted back and James walked up to him.

"You don't look very busy" he stated.

"Shut up, May. I am busy looking at the ladies."  
"I shouldn't have expected any less. Now, can you tell me where Richard is hiding?"  
"He went outside, I think."

Hurriedly, James left Jeremy to it and continued his search for Richard. He wasn't too hard to find, actually, since he was the only one presently outdoors. He was standing in the shivering cold, looking out across the landscape. Quietly James sneaked up behind him and put his arms around his waist from behind.  
"There you are" he whispered into Richard's ear. "I was looking for you."  
"Christ, you scared me" Richard confessed but quickly had better thoughts when he felt James' arms around him. He turned around and gave James a quick kiss.  
"Why are you out here all alone?" said James with slight worry.

"Had to get away from Jeremy. He's trying to convince me the ladies are better than a "spaniel haired, middle-aged, pedantic man with no sense of humour or fashion" as he nicely referred to you as."

"He's such a nice person, is he not?" James sighed and rested his head in the curve of Richard's neck.  
"I told him it wasn't happening though. Ever."  
James gave him a shy smile.

. . . . .

The time was nigh. Guests had started arriving, music had started playing and Jeremy had started being his usual ignoring self, forcing James out on the dance floor although he knew how much James hated being the centre of attention.

"You ignorant bastard" James told him as Jeremy dragged him along. The DJ randomly (and very suspiciously) changed the tune to some average modern love song. James was just going to protest when Jeremy told him to wait right there, and then he ran off into the crowd of people. Two minutes later or so he was back, dragging an equally confused Richard. Their eyes met and suddenly James understood Jeremy's plan hadn't been so evil after all.

"Thank me later" Jeremy told them and winked. "Have fun, ladies."

They watched Jeremy disappear into the crowd again.  
"To be honest..." James scratched his head awkwardly. "I have no clue how to do this. I've never danced before."  
"Really?" Richard sounded genuinely surprised. "Not even way back in high school? I thought everybody did that."  
"Nobody wanted to dance with me."  
Richard smiled at James with kind eyes then pulled him close.

"I do" he whispered in his ear. "Just follow my moves."

It was a typical high school dance. Bodies close, hands resting dangerously far down on the back and slow movements. It was pretty much walking around in a circle, but James was happy none the less. Richard never ceased to surprise him.

. . . . .

Jeremy was beyond drunk. Richard and James were struggling to carry him to a couch at the same time as they were trying to stop him from singing (screaming) The Who's My Generation. They didn't want him to make a fool out of himself at the same time as they knew that it was inevitable since that was exactly what he was. A fool. With Jeremy's arms around both Richard's and James' neck it was quite moderately hard to move forward without risking to fall.

"Do you think we should just dump him in the lake?" Richard asked. Although he was quite well trained, Jeremy was actually rather heavy. Especially since he was struggling as much as he could.  
"Hey. I heard that" Jeremy spluttered.

"I don't care" Richard replied and smacked him in the back of his head.

"I've got an idea that will definitely get him to sober up" James said with a sly smile and took the lead, still dragging unwilling Jeremy along. At least he was quiet now.

James lead the three of them to one of the fancy bathrooms and carefully told Richard to put Jeremy down in the bath tub. Jeremy, who was too drunk to understand what was going on, muttered something about that he had better things to do than to sit around in a bathroom with two pillocks.

Approximately two seconds later he sobered up significantly as he felt the cold water flood him and he got up in an instant. James burst out laughing so hard he dropped the shower head on the floor, and it spun around getting both James and Richard wet as well.

"James, you idiot" Richard tried to be angry but he couldn't contain the laugh.  
Even Jeremy laughed instead of being angry. It was a rare occasion.

. . . . .

"Jeremy..." Richard looked at him with eyes opened wide. "Where did you get the wheel chair from?"

"Well" he begun defending himself. "After your beloved James had soaked me I had to find clothes. So I did; and I also found this wheel chair."

"Those are meant for disabled people though. Oh, wait. It suits you perfectly."  
"Shut up Hammond."  
"You do know it's not safe to ride one down the stairs, right?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about."

Before Jeremy had even reached the first step of the stairs he fell off.

. . . . .

"Are you really ready for this James?" Richard sat next to him outside on the porch, holding his hands firmly in his. "Is this really what you want?"  
James was silent for a long while, then he nodded.  
"Yes. This is what I want. I do think it's for the best. Not only for me, but for you too."

Richard remained silent as he glanced upon the beautiful early-morning scenery. The sunrise spread dancing rays across the fog and caused the dew to glitter peacefully.

"Yes, maybe it is best for the both of us."

The night was going to be long; as was the party. James wasn't sure he wanted to possibly wreck it just yet.

. . . . .

"James!" Richard called him over and he seemed very eager. "James, you have to come. Quickly."  
Ever so slightly confused, James hastily made his way over to Richard and eyed him carefully.

"Are you high?" was the first thing he managed to ask, mainly because it was the first thing that came to mind when he saw Richard's slightly-drunk, elated expression.

"You know Stephie?"  
"Yes. I obviously do. What is it now?"

"Well, look to your left. No, not there. Yes, in the corner."

What James saw wasn't anything he had ever expected. He wasn't even certain he believed his own eyes when he spotted Stephie. It wasn't that there was anything unusual about her. She was smiling, she looked pretty as usual, she was wearing her finest clothes. It was just the fact that she was tangled up in a kiss, and not with just anybody either. No, Stephie was kissing Amy. It actually took quite some time for James to process the events.  
"That..." James turned to Richard. "I..."  
"No, I didn't expect it either."  
"Wow." James suddenly got a very much teenage-like urge to laugh hysterically, and for once he followed it. He let out a giggle and Richard looked at him like he'd seen a ghost but then smiled his utmost heartily smile.

"You look beautiful" Richard whispered to him.

. . . . .

"Ladies and gentlemen" Jeremy clumsily acquired everybody's attention and got himself a chair on which he stood upon. "And Hammond and May." Jeremy sent them a glance and they rolled their eyes.  
"Unprepared as I am... No, scratch that. I don't do speeches and y'all know that for a fact. What I wanted to say was thank you for coming and I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and all that nonsense. I know my nemesis May has something he would like to say to you so listen to him carefully. Or don't; up to you."  
Jeremy jumped down from the chair but tripped and fell face-down; it amused everybody but Jeremy himself.  
"That's what you get for drinking too much" Richard told him as he walked past him to stand with James who looked very, very nervous.

James didn't wait for everybody's attention before he spoke.

"Hello all of you. I just have an announcement to make" James swallowed and looked out across the crowd of people who were currently watching him with amusement.

"I..." he begun. "My colleague Hammond and I..." Richard interrupted him.  
"What my beloved friend here is trying to say is that yes, we are in a relationship, and we intend to stay that way. We are moving in together."

James spotted Amy in the back, still with Stephie, and she gave him a wide smile and gestured with an applause.  
They did not wait to hear anybody's reaction before making a hasty exit. James turned around one last time before leaving, and his eyes landed upon Andy who was looking at him with terror in his eyes. It was the funniest thing James had ever seen.

Outside in the parking lot Richard stopped James as he was headed for his Fiat Panda.

"Wait, James" said Richard with the most gentle voice James had ever heard him use.  
"What is it, Richard?"  
"There is something I want to ask you" he confessed with a low voice and made his way to James who was now standing next to his Panda.

"James" Richard begun and took James' hands in his; James had no idea what his intention was, he just watched him carefully.

Not even when Richard got down on one knee and looked at him in the eyes he really understood what was happening.  
"My James..." he was so nervous he was shaking. "Will you marry me?"

It was when he finally had processed the world Richard had just said that his eyes widened, but he could not find the words to speak. Richard seemed distressed.

"James?" he asked carefully and studied his face.  
The silence was deafening and Richard started to get really worried.

When James spoke his voice was as soft as silk; as were his eyes.

"Yes. Yes, I will."


End file.
